News Satire People Food Other

Beardy From Hell – March 2014

By Beardy, Knower of Things on March 6, 2014 in Other


Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Learn when to call it a day. It’s probably time to go to bed when you find yourself shitting and passing it around for your mates to sniff.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
A wise man once said, “Without hard work, nothing grows but weeds,” but at least you can smoke them and that ought to make you feel pretty good.

Taurus Apr 21-May 20
Avoid speaking in pidgin English to anyone who looks slightly Asian. It’s always more embarrassing when they whip out a more ocker accent that you.

Gemini May 21-Jun 21
You’ve got to stop judging people based on where they’re from; people from the Central Coast are humans too, albeit inferior ones.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 23
You are quite entitled to wait up until the last minute to confirm attendance at an event. You are the one in demand, you get to call the shots.

Leo Jul 24-Aug 23
The whole paleo movement is a conspiracy engineered by the coconut lobby and you could be responsible for the death of hundreds of orangutans.

Virgo Aug 24-Sep 23
I’m all for helping people to be self sufficient, but teaching a man to fish isn’t so wise if he is buying fish from you on a regular basis.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
That sensation in your hoop could be the early stages of a haemorrhoid. You’ll find looking at your arsehole in the mirror strangely erotic though.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
You’re trapped in a life you outgrew long ago and if you don’t escape it soon you’ll be imprisoned in this miserable existence forever.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22
Your mates have known you long enough to focus on your positives but, as the negatives start to outweigh them, they will abandon you.

Capricorn Dec 23-Jan 20
If you want people to take you more seriously, start by telling the truth a bit more and stop mistaking your imagination for your memory.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
You are a very beautiful and special person and you must always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.