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Beardy From Hell – March 2015

By Beardy, Knower of Things on March 16, 2015 in Other

PISCES Feb 20-Mar 20
You’re too nice to everyone. Treat people shitter and they’ll be less suspicious of your motives and like you way more.

ARIES Mar 21-Apr 20
Consume more sugar. All this anti-sugar nonsense has left you feeling sad and worn out and you need a hit to get you going again.

TAURUS Apr 21-May 20
You’ve been a bad person. Set fire to your pubes and punch yourself in the face a few times and all will be forgiven.

GEMINI May 21-Jun 21
You can keep telling yourself how much you like your job or you can acknowledge that it’s shit and escape your misery sooner.

CANCER Jun 22-Jul 23
You don’t really know anything about politics. Direct your negativity towards something else, like poor people.

LEO Jul 24-Aug 23
I’m not sure who you’ve been hanging around with or what you’ve been reading but the government is not watching you.

VIRGO Aug 24-Sep 23
You should reconsider purchasing that four-wheel drive. No matter how high up you sit, you’re still a shit driver.

LIBRA Sep 24-Oct 23
Thinking about going overseas? Break up with your fluff before you depart as Skype breakups are generally quite awkward.

SCORPIO Oct 24-Nov 22
Stand strong on your own two feet before you start leaning on someone else; no one is going to make you happy except yourself.

Stop feigning offence every time someone abbreviates a nationality. You’re a bigot at heart so stop pretending you’re anything but.

CAPRICORN Dec 23-Jan 20
Interest rates have fallen. Borrow more money and buy a house, because house prices always go up and interest rates always stay low.

AQUARIUS Jan 21-Feb 19
Don’t chance a long distance mission with a log lurking in the last chamber. Snap it off prior to departure.