Beardy From Hell – May 2014Taurus Apr 21-May 20
Save $300 a weekend by snorting self-raising flour. You’ll still look cool and who knows, if you’re lucky you may even shit out a cake.
Gemini May 21-Jun 21
Make yourself look like a complete dickhead by belittling your more submissive friends in front of the cool guys you’re trying to impress.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 23
No one could ever match your perfection. You need to lower the expectations you place upon your friends to avoid a lifetime of disappointment.
Leo Jul 24-Aug 23
You won’t find love on Tinder. Get off your phone and meet people the old-fashioned way, like blind in a kebab shop at 4.30am, for example.
Virgo Aug 24-Sep 23
Squat over a mirror and look inside your bum-hole. It’s important to view yourself from different perspectives and it’s amazing what you’ll see.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
It’s time for a friend cull. You’ve managed to attract an entourage of emotional parasites who are sucking the life out of you. Let them all go.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
No one is ever truly content. The sooner you realise this, the closer to true contentment you’ll be. But is there any point pursuing the unattainable?
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22
The bloke who said “keep your enemies close” was on acid. Keep them as far away as possible, unless you’re about to do a massive fart.
Capricorn Dec 23-Jan 20
Your winning lotto numbers are a combination of your birthday and car ergo (call me when you win because you owe me half of your winnings).
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
The road less travelled is that way for a reason; it’s the shit way. Just do what everyone else does and avoid nasty surprises, or nice ones.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
It is important to respect and care for your parents; if you want to keep living around here, you’re going to need all the inheritance you can get.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
If you haven’t pumped your boss yet, you need to get a move on or one of your co-workers is going to claim the glory and leave you with the slops.