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Beardy From Hell – September 2014

By Beardy, Knower Of Things on September 3, 2014 in Other

Virgo Aug 24-Sep 23
Being patient is getting you nowhere, so stop waiting and take action now. Good things come to those who take them from other, more patient people.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
There isn’t a filter that exists that can make you appear even mildly fit or attractive. Just post the bloody photo and move on.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
You really should sing a lot more. You have a beautiful voice and the people around you will be better off for having heard it.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22
You need to start taking more pride in your section. You know it’s time for a trim when your pubic hair is long enough to floss your teeth.

Capricorn Dec 23-Jan 20
Now that spring is here, maybe you can go back to normal after being such a miserable prick for the last few months?

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Excess splashback will result in your finger slipping through the toilet paper and into your hoop. It’ll clean up okay, but a faint smell will linger for weeks.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Why must you always be so f***ing needy? You need to find a hobby to make you less punishing or you’ll wind up being on your own forever.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
That stubborn bit of fat you’ve been trying to lose isn’t going anywhere. Just accept that it will always be there and focus on what you can control.

Taurus Apr 21-May 20
No one can ever accuse you of tall poppy syndrome. You will never be able to reach the tall poppies, even if you stand on a ladder.

Gemini May 21-Jun 21
It’s probably about time you got a new toothbrush. The one you’ve currently got actually makes your teeth dirtier each time you use it.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 23
Don’t even bother doing those dishes. If you leave them in the sink a while longer they’ll eventually just dissolve away.

Leo Jul 24-Aug 23
You need some religion in your life. Only irrational nonsense such as this can make your existence seem interesting and worthwhile.