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Bronte’s Secret Garden

By Dan Hutton on May 20, 2011 in

Well the secret’s out. After months of deliberation as to why it is taking so long for some of the sheds in Bronte Park to be restored, local artist Peter Byrne has uncovered some secret plans left by Waverley Council in a cave in the gully.

It was always suspected the council was looking at further means to boost their coffers as they have been screaming poor for quite some time now.

Not even the annual $10 million-or-so in parking fines, coupled with the doubling of parking permit costs and the imminent rise in rates, seems to have quenched their thirst for more money.

But these secret documents reveal there is more booty to make from the utilisation of the somewhat dishevelled outbuildings perched among the feral coral trees.

Adding another storey to these sheds seems to be the logical way to go.

Moving the grommets from the quadrangle near the kiosk and putting them on top of one of the sheds is a great way to keep them under control while they bop the night away with their ghetto blasters and slabs of beer.

This could be party central and only open after sunset so as not to annoy the grannies enjoying a cuppa during the daylight hours.

Of course a cover charge will apply and only those with legitimate fake ID will be allowed upstairs.

And then there is the opera house for those with more refined tastes. This will hold regular concerts with artists such as Sally And The Ballbusters and The Red Hot Rangers.

Opera in the park will be a big earner for council and once they have their new bottling plant installed they will be able to offload crates of Chateau de Stormwater and make an absolute killing.

And, of course, there is the zoo. This construction will take up both levels because of the importance of keeping wild animals under control.

It will be the perfect training ground for rangers who want to be lifeguards who want to be rangers.

Imagine the benefits of mastering the art of tagging a wild animal with a scanner and living to tell the tale while waiting for the payment of the fine to arrive. Imagine the tales they could tell their mates when they front up one day missing a limb!

“That bastard with the tiger wouldn’t stop so I had to jump him. Got the fine though. It’ll help pay for the prosthesis,” could possibly be one catch-call.

After that, collaring poor unsuspecting owners of timid Labradors and cross-Huskies will be a walk in the park.

Now that these covert plans have been revealed it is now up to the residents to submit their ideas.

Council can hold a competition for the best idea for the Bronte park sheds and every entry will get a $2 discount on their rates, a free half -hour in the cutting car park and a roll of ‘plasticus fencus incredibilis’ to wrap around the garden.

Get those entries in now and check out Byrnesy’s website at