News Satire People Food Other


By Kieran Blake on January 6, 2017 in Other

Only privileged individuals can drive a Volkswagen Fastback.

Only privileged individuals can drive a Volkswagen Fastback.

Eastern Beaches hipsters have reacted with effortlessly subdued excitement to the recent arrival of ‘deconstructed mechanics’ at designated garages from Bondi to Maroubra.

Nonchalant high praise was heaped upon the repair service, which returns vehicles to their owners in separate pieces, strewn across wooden boards.

Hipsters availing themselves of the ‘deconstructive experience’ receive a chassis surrounded by axels, drive shafts, steering columns and other components; all of which are accompanied by engine oil and transmission fluid in glass jars.

Paying customers then sit on milk crates or pre-school chairs and use the complimentary tool kit, or a set of chopsticks, to reconstruct their own vehicles. Select Michelin-rated ‘deconstructive salons’ will even dress the wooden boards with a dash of brake fluid and coolant.

The salons also double as immersive and connected art spaces where clients can photograph and edit images of their creations before uploading them to their social media accounts.

The service is a natural evolution, yet complete departure, from ‘deconstructed food’, as local trend forecaster Iyma Khonman painstakingly explained.

“We are liberating our beneficiaries,” he beamed.

“We have freed them from conventional paradigmatic perambulatory care services and empowered them to autonomously reconstruct their vehicles in a manner which is more closely aligned with their personal creative journey.”

“Our fan base eschews conformity and oppressive homogenous cultural reference points and it is this rejection of an absolute truth that draws them to our experience – that and the reviews they read first on Yelp and Foursquare.”
This freedom is already proving popular, according to Khonman.

“Even in its infancy, this new child is already well loved and nurtured,” he pointed out.

“Our family consists of privileged individuals who have earned the right to possess cars such as the Citroen Ami, the Plymouth Valiant and the Volkswagen Fastback.

“Their relatives include the doting parents of Lowriders and the Clovelly mums who have showered us with incessant praise on their parenting blogs for the love and attention provided to their designer label strollers.”

The service does not, however, extend to backpacker vans, because, as Khonman pointed out, “vehicles must be in one piece in the first place in order to be deconstructed”.

Khonman also explained that many local garages were invited to join the revolutionary movement.

“We offered to many established businesses the blessing of family membership, he said.”

“This includes Phil O’Sullivan’s garage in Queen’s Park. However, upon receiving the news Phil Jr. simply laughed, before striding towards us menacingly wielding a wooden implement of sorts, upon which were myriad ominous red stains and an inscription that read ‘Viv Richards’.

“We ran away.”