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The Eastern Suburbs Scoop Of The Century

By Pearl Bullivant on November 21, 2014 in Other

Photo: John Lee Hooker

Photo: John Lee Hooker

Oh my god, am I out of touch? How on Earth did Pearl miss the Eastern Suburbs scoop of the century – ‘EASTERN SUBURBS TUCKSHOP MUM’S DOUBLE LIFE AS AN ESCORT’? Priding myself as the ‘Queen of Middle Class Issues’, I’ve really dropped the ball, and only have myself to blame. Too frugal to pay for the full digital version of the Sydney Morning Herald, and far too elitist to watch Today Tonight, I find I’m missing out on the more ‘dubious’ aspects of middle class living. And neglecting the real priorities in life has meant that I’ve been far more concerned with Tony Abbott’s attempt to kill off pensioners by budget stealth than the occupation of the person who serves up my great nephew’s canteen lunch. Oh Pearlie, lift your game for the sake of your readers!

Thankfully my ever-vigilant and thoughtful editor had the foresight to alert me to what amounts to gripping material for Pearl’s column – the Amanda Goff story. Being a shockproof woman whose heyday was back in the 1960s, I don’t give a fig whether an Eastern Suburbs mother earns her living as an escort. It’s only sex, man. At least she’s doing something valuable with her spare time, rather than clogging up the narrow streets of Bondi in a massive 4WD. She’s not a banker ripping off pensioners or a fat miner destroying the environment, nor is she a property developer lining the pockets of dodgy politicians. But I will ask one hard-hitting journalistic question: why, oh why, did she feel the need to tell all to a scummy television program, bringing her immediate worldwide fame, and then naively whinge about the fallout at her children’s school?

If only Ms Goff had sought Pearl’s wisdom! If the burden of her occupation was weighing heavily on her mind and she was truly desperate to tell all, I would have advised her to make a public announcement at a school function. Any initial angst would’ve been quelled by her impressive appearance, resulting in her being warmly welcomed into the botoxed and beautiful Yummy Mummy set.

Or maybe she just should have told the truth to the media, admitting that she was sick of sleeping with boring rich dudes and wanted to be famous via the terror of the tabloids, harnessing the nation’s obsession with celebrities whilst pocketing a tidy sum of money. If bored families are prepared to waste a precious weekend queuing at Westfield to take selfies with competitors on ‘The Block’ (or a Kardashian), why shouldn’t one exploit the populace’s stupidity? After all, we have the populace to thank for Tony Abbott’s prime ministership.

The upside to the media circus surrounding Amanda Goff is that she has unwittingly set a precedent for ‘Celebrity, Eastern Suburbs-style’. As such, I encourage all glamorous Yummy Mummies to seek fame and fortune (and perhaps a modelling career) by revealing their occupations to Channel 7 and then syndicating to Woman’s Day. Imagine ‘I’m Kate and I’m a corporate lawyer who charges her clients an obscene hourly rate’ or ‘I’m Brianna and my husband is so stinking rich that my occupation involves yoga classes, lattes and snorting coke when I’m not undergoing extensive plastic surgery and meeting with my interior designer’, or, even more shocking, ‘I’m Sarah and I’m a cleaner and my sons attend Cranbrook’.

Speaking of plastic surgery, the TerrorGraph (my editor insisted I engage in some research) had some wonderful ‘before’ photos of Ms Goff. It’s amazing how a struggling single mother can afford plastic surgery that good. I demand her surgeon’s name!

Love Pearl (part-time nude model)…