Google GL-ASS…

By Gerald McGrew on May 23, 2013 in Other

For this month’s article I’d fully intended on writing about 457 visas and the chronic shortage of digitally skilled workers in Australia. Yet in the interests of dodging controversy I’ve decided against it. And let’s face it, the average person doesn’t give a f**k if someone from the subcontinent, the UK or a paramilitary university in the Ukraine is taking perfectly good technology jobs in Sydney. There’s plenty of work to go around and any local who can’t get a gig is either asking for too much money, doesn’t know what they’re doing, or is suffering from a bit of both.

So instead, let’s take a look at what the biggest Internet company is doing to change the world: Google Glass. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, or been so excited about the latest Mad Men/Game of Thrones/Walking Dead episode that your head has exploded, you’d be aware that Google is about to theoretically give us the same hunting-and-killing capability that The Terminator had. Those clever boffins have rigged up a tiny camera to a hipster’s glasses frame, and connected that to a voice-activated Internet connection, while allowing the wearer to view Internet ‘stuff’ on a tiny screen just in front of one eye.

I know, it sounds ridiculous.

Nevertheless, our local ‘always connected’ digital fraternity has been so excited they’ve almost stopped debating where to get the best coffee in Newtown and Surry Hills. Yet just what you’d do on a day-to-day basis with Google glasses has me lost. Reading the news or using Google maps would totally do your head in, whilst talking out loud to your accessories has long been considered passé (and insane). It really only leaves secretly watching porn on public transport. Problem is, if you’re the type that must watch a bluey on the morning commute, there’s a fair chance you’re doing it with your laptop anyway. The word ‘surreptitious’ lost meaning for you many moons ago.

For years dorky engineers have been pushing ‘wearable computing’ as the next big thing. Yet it’s never really progressed past backpacks that have a little pocket for an iPod and holes to feed headphone cords through. This, of course, is another ridiculous idea. Try using earbuds attached to your backpack on the 5.31pm Tangara to Penrith – they’ll be ripped out so many times your tragus (Google it) will be oozing blood before you reach Granville.

Despite the obvious physical and social risks of wearable computers, Apple appears set to release an iWatch. Cynics will probably dismiss this as an Apple Nano with a watchband, and based on previous Apple form it’s entirely conceivable that the first generation of iWatches won’t even be able to tell the time. Yet its release date, how much it will cost and what obvious features it will be missing will be something that millions will pointlessly speculate on.

Speaking of phones, it’s been 40 years since the first mobile phone call was made. This also means it’s also been 40 years since the first mobile phone user was asked “Where are you?” Little did we know that this would become the singularly most asked question in the 20th century, with “What are you doing?” coming a close second.

Happy 100th edition to The Beast too, here’s to just one more (each month)!