Greener, Leaner, Meaner
I don’t really believe in New Year’s resolutions, in fact, I think that if you have to wait for a new calendar to come out in order to make life-changing decisions you are a bit of a twit. But for the sake of satisfying the demands of The Beast’s editors I will make an exception this year and enlighten you upon what I plan on changing once 2011 pops around.
In 2011, I will be basing my changes around three key concepts: a greener Rupert, a leaner Rupert and a meaner Rupert.
Banning Bottled Water
Bundanoon has banned bottled water and I’m pushing for Point Piper to do the same. Admittedly, we don’t really have any shops as such in Point Piper, but I am campaigning fellow residents to get on board the ban by refusing to purchase the plastic bottles of water. If Malcolm Turnbull deems it fit to drink from the tap then so do I, and given the rates we pay surely you can assume that the water in Point Piper is potable. Put simply, bottled water is a bad investment, and I’ve already made enough of those in my lifetime (thanks Mr Adler!).
A Porsche With The Conscience Of A Prius
So I’ve decided to sell the Porsche and upgrade to something a little more environmentally friendly. Not a Prius though, for I wouldn’t be seen dead in one of those things. No, it’s another Porsche. I’m going to get my mittens on the new Porsche 918 Spyder, which uses an average of 3.0 litres of fuel per 100km, or 23 per cent less than the Toyota Prius. And trust me, it goes a hell of a lot faster!
Soft Sand Rather Than Soft Edges
So I’ve packed on a few pounds around the waistline over the festive season, but who hasn’t? I’ve certainly got nothing on the fat sweaty bloke on the bus whose left thigh lurks over onto the seat next to him, the one where you are sitting. For starters you won’t find me riding the bus – I’ll leave that to my aforementioned mate Malcolm. I won’t be buying a gym membership or signing up to a boot camp either. No, I’ll be doing it the old-fashioned way – Bondi soft sand here I come
Since I started penning this article I have taken the stance of pulling back when the possibility for conflict arises in my life, instead channelling my anger through my monthly rant. But this is all about to change.
From January 1 forward, if I see a dog take a dump and the owner doesn’t pick it up, I will pick it up myself and put it in the owner’s pocket (thanks for the idea Todd).
If someone sparks up a cigarette in close proximity while I am dining, regardless of whether I am inside or out, I will douse the ciggy and the offending smokier with a glass of cold H2O.
If anywhere dares drive badly in my presence, I will blast them with the horn of my new Porsche.
Look out world, in 2011 Rupert will not be holding back.
If you must set New Year’s Resolutions, join me in moving forward towards a greener, leaner and meaner 2011 and the world will be a better place.