Being A Grinch Is A Cinch

By Rupert Truscott-Hughes on December 15, 2013 in Other

Picture: Kate Bloom

“Bah Humbug!” I hear you spout. “Where is your Christmas spirit?” you all roar simultaneously. Well, I apologise for coming across as a miser, but I must admit I no longer look forward to Christmas, and that’s the honest truth.

I have given it considerable thought, I have tried my darnedest to grin and bear it, but the cons outweigh the pros by an overwhelming margin.

Let’s look at the pros first; it shouldn’t take long so I might as well get it out of the way. For me, the only good thing about Christmas is the food. Turkey turns the corners of my mouth skywards and honey- glazed ham makes me incredibly happy (and a little bit hard, if you must know). Add the accompanying accoutrements into the mix and I have to say a Christmas feast has few if any genuine competitors in the battle for the year’s best meal.

Still, it’s not enough to save the festive season from my considerable fury. The cons of Christmas (which in itself is a massive con job if you ask me) are quite considerable, and I will list them here for you now:

Christmas as a commodity – Christmas is supposed to be about giving and family and friends. Instead, it’s now all about marketing, selling and general material excess that results in an extraordinary amount of waste. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying, and to be honest I could do without the friends, family and giving anyway.

Present stress – This is directly correlated to the con above. Due to the marketing pressure that Christmas produces I feel compelled to go out and purchase presents for the aforementioned family and friends. Not only do you have to choose the perfect gift for each and every person, you have to run the gauntlet of Westfield Bondi Junction in order to do so, all while keeping to a tight budget (please don’t mistake me for being generous – I buy presents purely to save face and avoid arguments).

Faux excitement – I already have pretty much everything I want and if I need anything else at any stage I simply go out and buy it. Yet every year I’m expected to look excited when I receive another pair of socks or a pointless piece of sporting memorabilia. Things would be far easier if I neither had to give nor receive presents, but the festive season unfortunately wont allow for that.

My disfunctional family – I won’t dwell on this for too long but let’s just say there’s less tension at a Rinehart family reunion than there is when the Truscotts and Hugheses inhabit the same household for more than an hour or two. I’d rather host a David Koresh cult meeting than a family Christmas and I can guarantee there’d be less fireworks, despite Koresh’s penchant for pyrotechnics.

Religion – Last but not least, I just don’t buy in to the religious bull dust that Christmas brings with it. So Jesus Christ was born on December 25 two thousand odd years ago and God was supposedly his father – is this really still relevant with all that we know now? I think not.

On that note, I do hope that all the readers of The Beast have a very merry Christmas, but if you don’t, take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone and at least you won’t go hungry!