An NRL 2020 Vision

By Alasdair McClintock on March 4, 2020 in Other

Signing his life away, by Con Tract.

Some blurry team predictions for the 2020 National Rugby League season from the crystal football…

Brisbane Broncos
The post-Bennett era hits new lows, with white ants discovered in club headquarters and the player’s changing rooms. Anthony Milford will finally complete his transition into full Lego man.

Canberra Raiders
“Robbed!” Raiders’ fans have been screaming all summer. “Who cares?” The rest of us yelled back. Sticky and the boys will give it a red hot go and possibly go one better, but the only certainty is that they’ll blame everyone else if they don’t.

Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs
Having learned how to win ugly, they’ll learn that ugly is out and crowd numbers will hit a record low. Lincoln Lewis will quit the game to star on Home and Away.

Cronulla-Sutherland Sharks
With Paul Gallen finally gone, the rest of the nation will stop hating Cronulla, and they will happily slip back into mediocrity.

Gold Coast Titans
Does anyone really care?

Manly Warringah Sea Eagles
Tony Abbott’s continued denial of climate change will see him come to sideline blows with Des Hasler after Dessie’s Collaroy home slips into the ocean. Daly Cherry-Evans will finally reveal he is a lizard.

Melbourne Storm
With the shine of success beginning to wear thin, Craig Bellamy will resign at the end of the year on doctor’s orders – no one wants to see a head explode on live television. Cam Smith will announce his new career in mathematics.

Newcastle Knights
Mitchell Pearce kicked off the year by channelling Robert Mugabe, so anything could happen at the Knights this year. If they finish in the top four, strawberry milkshake sales will go through the roof in August.

New Zealand Warriors
Will finally discover consistency and consistently lose.

North Queensland Cowboys
Holmes is home and there’s a buzz up north that has nothing to do with the fruit flies, but it’ll be the Taumalolo train that carries the side into the finals.

Parramatta Eels
Parramatta will win it this year, just ask any Parramatta fan. They won’t though, they’ll flop harder than a fat man falling off a pier.

Penrith Panthers
Daddy issues will tear the club apart and Nathan Cleary will start seeing older men.

South Sydney Rabbitohs
They enter the post-Burgess era with a bright new Arrow pointing them forward, but with that still a year away and Wayne Bennett on a short contract, they’ll need Latrell to really step up.

St. George Illawarra Dragons
They need a Daenerys, but all they have is a Mary. They’ll be slain by May.

Sydney Roosters
Chasing a rare Premiership Turkey, but with no Cronk, their rudder is a bit wobbly. They’ll need to watch out for Icebergs, both big lime green ones and the venue itself.

Wests Tigers
The club no one wants to play for will find it even harder to sell out Leichardt after the suburb’s demographic becomes entirely young professionals, with two children and absolutely no interest in rugby league.