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Pearl’s Praise For Dog Almighty

By Pearl Bullivant on May 11, 2011 in Other

Pearl had thought that she’d seen it all when it comes to overindulged Eastern Suburbs dogs. There are dog parties and dog jewellery in Double Bay, and a dog crèche and ‘pupcakes’ in Surry Hills (so Zebedee “doesn’t feel left out”), but the ultimate in dog overindulgence must be the ‘Dog Pet Pram’, complete with dual drink holder for the doggycinos and roomy storage for organic treats.

The Dog Pram would have come in handy for the pathetic Potts Point resident who wrote to the SMH Domain complaining that her dog had been refused entry to real estate inspections. It would have also been a boon to those Mosman matrons who had been banned from taking their dogs to cafes; matrons who squealed so loudly about their dogs’ ‘rights’ that the Companion Animals Act was changed to “accommodate the desire of pet owners to include their pooch when socialising”.

Millions of children in developing countries are living in poverty but here in the Affluent Suburbs we wheel dogs around in prams and feed them cupcakes. People are incarcerated in prisons for their political beliefs but precious dog owners are up in arms about having to put their dog in a plane luggage hold and worried it will miss out on a family outing because it is denied the ‘right’ to go to a café or house hunting! Yes, the dog ‘right’ advocates want dogs to be allowed on planes! Imagine a plane full of yuppies and their overindulged puppies – complete anarchy. They’d probably expect the poor air stewards to be on poo patrol!

Isn’t it time dog ‘right’ advocates were pulled into reality? As with all types of zealots they have no regard for anyone else’s comfort or rights; in fact, they seem to despise ‘normal’ dog owners who do the right thing and pick up dog poo and keep their dogs on a leash. And, like all zealots, if you dare question their philosophy you are instantly branded a ‘dog hater’. The outrage when anyone dares to challenge the rights of dogs has councils running scared – when a dog killed a penguin at North Head it was immediately suggested that the resident penguins be put in a zoo so that dogs could have free rein. And Randwick Council would rather force local rugby league teams to find alternative playing fields because of the amount of excreta lying around than enforce a ‘no poo’ policy at Barden Park.

Well, I’ve had a gutful of dog rights, especially after I encountered a slobbering dog standing next to me with its front paws on the counter of a parkland café (I dared not complain lest I copped an ear-bashing from the dog’s pretentiously loud owner).

It’s time dog owners were challenged on their monopoly on pet rights. Rodent, feline, amphibian, reptile and bird owners – join with Pearl, and her cat Kerry, and stand up for your rights! Lobby Randwick Council so that the mayor will be forced to make statements such as “Council understands the NEEDS of guinea pig owners, which is one of the reasons we provide 13 off-leash cavy exercise parks”.

Once we have secured the parks, abuse this freedom by refusing to pick up guinea pig excreta. Let your rat jump on toddlers, take your rabbit to the EQ Markets and place it on the counter at Toby’s Estate. Take your budgie to Clodeli and block the footpath with its cage. Complain when your lizard is refused entry to an open house. Play dog owners at their own game – your pets are companion animals too!



  1. Oh yeah! Dog and dog owners have way too many rights in sydney. What a lot of codswallop!
    Dogs should be locked up to bark in backyards right? For someone up in arms about supposed hysterical, ‘squealing’, whinging, obnoxious dog owners… you sure sound pretty hysterical, squeeling, whinging, and obnoxious yourself. Your stories and characatures are fascinating, but owe a little too much to artistic license and scaremongering don’t you think? And if anyone rings up and complains to the council, or holds them at ransom, it’s whiny intolerant complainers like yourself methinks. I think you should offer up your… ‘local rugby players kicked out in favor of dog poos’ and ‘straight to jail for penguins at north head, so murdering dogs may roam free’ stories to A Current Affair, or Today Tonight. It’s just the kind of wildly inaccurate, opinion dressed up as fact, overblown, melodramatic hysteria that they would love. In fact maybe they could hire you as one of their reporters, and maybe you could winge about fat kids, and teenage mums, and dole bludgers too. I get that you’re meant to be a little light entertainment, and good for a laugh maybe, but are we meant to get our wrap up of local news from you too? Because the thought of you being a source of local news, for locals, scares me a little I have to admit. As much as it scares me that ‘A Current Affairs’ could be considered a news and current affairs program. I once used to read The Beast, and enjoy laughing at yuppies too, but your soon tiresome column has left me siding with them just in spite of you. And throwing my copy of The Beast straight in the recycling. You were funny, and ‘oh my god, that’s sooo true’ at first. But in attempting to keep doing what you believed made you at first popular or beloved, you have gone too far. Exaggerated to the point of absolute bullshit. For the sole purpose of giving your audience what you presume they want of you. Which in 9/10 cases isn’t consensus, but the joy of mutual outrage and loathing. You’re that crazy old lady down the street we all bond with the neighbours over shared annoyance and dislike. I don’t doubt for a second there are irresponsible dog owners in the eastern suburbs, or dogs that need to learn a little discipline, but maybe we could just send them back to obedience classes together, and leave the rest of us on our merry way. And god forbid, maybe even wave and say hello with a cheerful smile, pat nice doggy on the head, and walk off with a whistle thinking to yourself… ‘how lucky am I to live in such a beautiful part of the earth as Sydney’s eastern suburbs. With bountiful parks, beaches and fresh air I’m happy to share with everybody. Including mans best friend, if he/she wishes to share it with them, and they are able to share and ‘play nice’ with others.’ Much unlike you pearl. In fact it’s exactly people like you that make outsiders think of the eastern suburbs as full of snobby, pretentious, exclusive and excluding, and most of all – unfriendly and unneighbourly people. How bout this? I put up with you living here, if you put up with everyone else living here, no matter what coffee they drink or any other ridiculously superficial reason you could choose for hating someone. I moved out of newtown to get away from pompous pretentious wanks like you. And yes pearl, I have a dog, and that’s the sole reason I have for disliking you, not because you are a mean old crabby bitch.

    Posted by: BT | November 10, 2011, 2:17 AM |

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  2. I just read the comment above, and I really think that it summarizes very well what a lot of people think about that Pearl winger. Why doesn’t she move away form the Eastern suburb if it is so unbearable for her? There are still a lot of red necks areas in Australia where she would be perfectly happy I am sure. Her column may have been distracting for a while, but she now raves on and on and takes herself so seriously that only a couple of cranky-too much time on their hands are interesting in her ranting against dogs, prams, etc, etc. There are many more important issues to be upset about, but obviously her ignorance and low IQ prevents her from addressing them.

    Posted by: Claire Hitchon | April 23, 2012, 10:51 AM |

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