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Pearl’s 2014 Trends To Laugh At Or Loath

By Em Allen on April 11, 2014 in

Picture: Angelina Jolie

Picture: Angelina Jolie

After seven years of dutiful service to The Beast I miss one lousy column and what happens – Rupert Truscott-Hughes eagerly fills my void, claiming falsely that I had injured myself tending to non-existent rose bushes and assigning New Year’s resolutions to a list of B-grade celebrities, including the man who has made cricket unbearable, Michael Clarke.

But slighting me even more during my absence was the usurping of my crown as the self-appointed arbiter of good taste by The Beast fashion stylist Sharmin Musca. Not only has Sharmin moved into the Pearl domain (I credit myself with single-handedly ridding Clovelly of Birkenstocks, Crocs and Fitness First backpacks) with her ‘2013 Trends To Laugh At Or Love’, she also had the hide to deride my only concession to trend setting, the fashion spectacle, of which I own many pairs courtesy of the assistance of the wonderful staff at Clovelly Optical.

So this month, instead of my usual political rants I’m back to reclaim my mantel as the ‘Saviour of Postcode 2031’. I’m taking no prisoners, so there won’t be any love in ‘Pearl’s 2014 Trends To Laugh At Or Loath’:

The Knee High Boot – Regular readers know I’ve long been screaming ‘death’ to this scourge of a trend with very little success, and unfortunately it’s been responsible for another vile trend, the skinny jean, because no self-respecting fashionista is going to squeeze $2,000 boots over a flared leg. The one advantage of global warming is that knee high boots (and also ugg boots worn with skimpy running shorts, spray tan and North Face puffer jacket) will eventually be discarded, but I fear that nothing will stop a Yummy Mummy from pretending she is in Paris or London, even when July temperatures eventually hit 30 degrees.

The Middle Class Tattoo – As an avid fan of Channel 7’s ‘Tattoo Nightmares’ I always have a little chuckle when I’m confronted with a designer clad, Range Rover driving, botox and yoga addicted Yummy Mummy displaying a freshly inked tattoo around her social x-ray wrist in an attempt to look ‘alternative’. Give ‘alternative’ a chance and swap the Rover for the 339 Bus whilst declaring a boycott on high-end fashion, trendy prams and expensive organics. Only then will I consider taking the tattoo seriously.

Colonic Irrigation – For those of us old enough to associate castor oil and Epsom salts with constipation, the fact that colonic irrigation is now an Eastern Suburbs ‘spa trend’ is enough to induce the runs, especially when it’s advertised alongside botox and IPL. Of course one never associates Yummy Mummies with constipation; colonic irrigation is part of the ‘detox’ craze along with kale smoothies and quinoa milkshakes. While the rest of the world is either overweight or underfed, slender Eastern Suburbs Yummy Mummies are stupid enough to eliminate their food intake in one uncomfortable $100 session, just so they can boastfully ‘flow with the trends’.

Lululemon – What is there not to loathe about Lululemon? The fact that it pretends to be so worthy, offering free yoga classes to the uber rich whilst the company’s founder extols the virtues of Ayn Rand, child labour and the US Tea Party, or that it has become a fashion cult to trendy Eastern Suburbs residents who are gullible enough to think wearing Lululemon will make them instantly ‘zen’ as well as visibly wealthy? I must admit to being highly amused that Lululemon shares have recently taken a huge dive on the stock market, and its normally ultra-relaxed, peace-loving stockholders aren’t too happy.

On-trend, uber and fashion forward, always…

Pearlie xx