Pearl’s 2016 New Year’s Resolutions

By Pearl Bullivant on January 8, 2016 in Other

Flitting from party to party, the very last thing on my gin-addled mind is the emotional welfare of the Eastern Suburbs masses. But, darlings, thankfully for you my tyrannical editor has begged me to think of others and provide bespoke New Year’s resolutions to those who are accustomed to contracting out the mundane in life, like lice and dog poo removal, child rearing, cooking and homework supervision. And since I can never resist an opportunity to inflict my words of wisdom upon the peeps of the Eastern Suburbs, and because I can never say no to my charming editor, I have relinquished that bottle of Tanqueray to impart my 2016 New Year’s resolutions to the hip, happening and beautiful of the world. Peace, love and Kombis to you all, as you resolve to adhere to the following:

• I will think twice before reproducing for the trendy purpose of adding a fourth, fifth or sixth child to my brood. Over-population doesn’t fit comfortably with the ‘Eco Earth Mother’ image that one loves to conjure up in the Camilla kaftan, and while large families are the ultimate statement of wealth, I will vow to flaunt my purchasing power by upgrading the SUV rather than producing yet another designer-clad child who will ultimately be cared for by a nanny or the mythical ‘village’.

• I promise to eliminate the word ‘luxury’ from my vocabulary, especially when it comes to food items like granola. According to the Oxford Dictionary, luxury is ‘a state of great comfort or elegance involving great expense’ and Pearl doubts that eating ‘luxury granola’ will result in granola envy and exclamations of: “Wow, Gina Rinehart is so elegant and rich because she eats luxury granola.” Dispense with the wank!

• I will consider the plight of the homeless and disenfranchised before allowing my luxury Eastern Suburbs abode to feature in the House and Garden magazine alongside lifestyle quotes such as “the owners of this home in Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs now celebrate the simple things against a luxury backdrop” or “a busy family dreamed of a bathroom that would provide a calm space to begin and end the day, but they also wanted a room with personality and character”. Embarrassment in high gloss is social death!

• I will immunise my child, remembering that I risked the possibility of chemical overload, leaky gut and neurological damage by submitting to vaccines for hepatitis, typhoid, encephalitis and yellow fever before embarking on the pre-kiddy hippy trail through Asia and Africa. I will also remember the thousands of children who have died in the developing world from vaccine-preventable diseases, and the older Australians who suffered the devastating effects of polio and measles in the pre-immunisation era. There are far safer ways to play at being a bohemian.

Unlike four children, four resolutions are enough for any affluent and educated Eastern Suburbs darling to handle, so before I get carried away it’s farewell to the last drops of another bottle of gin and hello to 2016!

Love Pearl xx