News Satire People Food Other

Pearl’s Latest Must-Haves

By Pearl Bullivant on February 21, 2022 in Other

Let’s get physical. Photo: Gluteus Maximus

Two years into the COVID pandemic and Pearl is detecting an air of hopelessness as each day morphs into yet another day of masks, vaccines, PCRs, RAT hunting, QR codes and quarantine. There’s the obscene price of petrol to contend with when filling up the Porsche Macan, which has become a substitute Qantas Airbus during these dismal times. There’s the daily threat of interest rate rises impacting the property portfolio and one’s ability to sell at greatly inflated prices. On top of it all, we have the daily pressure of social media and the constant bleating of CEOs, reminding us that the economy is about to topple due to Omicron’s effect on both supply issues and consumer demand, but at the same time heralding profits that are headed for record levels. And, then we have the very retro return of ‘inflation’, a buzzword that is instilling economic terror in the masses, without the 1970s undertone of Whitlam nostalgia.

As always, Pearl is here to assist her fans through difficult times, and I’ve been detecting a whiff of fear-based behaviour emanating from being confined to Australian shores for way too long. In this third pandemic year, let’s take advantage of the opportunity to slow down, reflect and grow. Admittedly, we could be using this time to volunteer, cut our carbon emissions and assist others less fortunate, but there are way too many societal issues for one to solve and, really, those problems don’t directly benefit us, and solving them will actually impact our ability to live optimally. So, instead, let’s feed our souls and egos with two of the latest must-have trends that help keep our affluent status in quo.

Self-care should extend beyond curating the perfect Instagramable face and body or finding the most convenient disabled parking bay for the Range Rover – vibrators are the ultimate in luxury wellness. No longer relegated to the bedside table (leave that to the oldies, who have been using their Tool Shed dildos for decades without grandstanding), vibrators are a must-have accoutrement in the vegan handbag. In times of crisis, we must “strive to make ourselves feel good”, and there’s nothing like a bit of buzz action in the Ivy toilets to achieve personal fulfilment.


CrossFit/BodyFit/F45 (pretentious HIIT)
If COVID were a war, engaging in high-intensity interval training (HIIT) is the new badge of honour for young executives. Why waste one’s valuable time with trivial exercise like running or swimming (unless one is brag-festing it with an ultra-marathon) when one can interlink the need for social kudos with the opportunity to gain bodily perfection and personal redemption through competitive physical suffering. When yummy mummies are trading in Barre Body and champagne o’clock for exercise that leaves sweat marks on the PE Nation puffer jacket, we know HIIT is the personal validation we so desperately need.

Remember, darlings, it’s all about living the best, authentic life we can, something that is terribly hard to do when wearing an N95 mask and nitrile gloves.