News Satire People Food Other

What About The Plan, Eric?

By Todd Maguire on November 27, 2014 in Other

Photo: Ian from Lake Conjola

Photo: Ian from Lake Conjola

“What happened to the friggin’ plan, Eric?” Steve was as white as Casper Verwer, the local friendly ghost. “I nearly lost a bloody limb out there!”

Luckily there was now a safe barrier between our hero, Steve, and the savage beast from the unruly ocean. Dry sand. It felt good.
They had talked about their snorkelling venture a couple of days beforehand. Steve and Eric had a plan. They would enter the water at Bronte and make their way south below the cemetery.

“As long as we stick to the plan, and stick together, we will be sweet,” Eric said. He was an experienced snorkeller, with safety high on his priority list.

Steve was just wrapped to be invited on a snorkelling quest into the deep blue sea. Maybe they’d even jag a feed, he hoped. His ancestry dated back to a proud Polish family, so he’d gorged on a pickled herring or two in his time, especially when sided with his Nana’s cabbage rolls.

The night before his big escapade, Steve was all excited. Laying out his gear and planning how to cook up his feed, he brushed his flowing blonde locks and slept like the dead.

He was up bright and early the next morning, and with a skip and a jump he was out the door to find Nemo.
“Remember the plan,” Eric reiterated.

They entered the water, spears in tow, weight belts around their waists and a sparkle in Steve’s strikingly handsome azure blue eyes. Off they went. Visibility was poor and murky and they lost each other straight away. Fools.

Eric decided to forget the plan and stay around the rocks to the north near Bronte, while Steve flippered south towards the cemetery, as per the plan.

Steve was having the time of his life. A true adventure. He was in the zone, following a school of luderick, but unfortunately he cornered a sizeable rock cod. Unaware that this fish was inedible, he speared it with great pride. The bleeding fish wriggled to-and-fro, but remained steadfast on the spear. A peaceful wobbegong shark soon picked up the blood trail.

The speared fish continued to struggle, bleeding profusely as it tried to free itself. As the wobbegong approached, its size and speed set Steve into a state of alarm. He tried everything to get the fish off his spear but it was firmly lodged on the rusty barbs. As Steve kicked the fish frantically with his flippers to rid himself of it, the bemused wobbegong stuck right by his side, following hungrily. It was the longest fifteen minutes of Steve’s life.

Meanwhile, Eric was frolicking close to Bronte, having a lovely old time. He bagged himself a decent feed, and after an hour or so got out of the water and waited on the beach, tanning his muscular frame and wondering where Steve had got to.

“I thought I told him to stay with me, the big galoot!” Eric thought.

Another half an hour passed, but still no Steve. Eric began to worry. A bit of panic set in. He broke into a trot and then into a full sprint home, straight through the front door yelling out for his buddy. There was no reply.

Eric bolted back to the beach in search of his wayward offsider. He hit the sand with phenomenal pace, honed from his nipper days, just as Steve was making his way out of the water, half a bleeding fish still on his spear and a look of absolute terror on his face.

“Mate, what happened to you?” Eric asked casually.

“I’ll tell you what happened!” Steve yelled. He was furious, frothing at the mouth like a rabid dog. “‘I’ve been chased by a shark, stung by a blue bottle, run over by a kook surfer, abused by a clubbie and all I have to show for it is half a bloody fish!” He stopped to catch his breath. “What happened to the friggin’ plan, Eric?”

“Well my friend, at least you made it back safely; that’s the main thing,” Eric responded. He didn’t have the heart to tell Steve that the fish he fought so gallantly for was no good to eat. Nor did Eric let on how he had temporarily feared for his mate’s life after throwing ‘the plan’ out the window.

It was pizza for dinner that night for the two friends, and after a short self-induced exile from snorkelling for Steve and some fine-tuning of Eric’s planning skills, the two were excitedly planning their next ‘Finding Nemo’ expedition.