Rupert’s Resolute List Of Things Not Worth Doing In 2016

By Marcus Braid on January 19, 2016 in

New Year’s resolutions are way too optimistic, so rather than write a list of things I plan to do in 2016, I’m going to take the glass half empty approach and jot down a bunch of stuff that I won’t be doing, mainly because I don’t want to die just yet.

So here we go, Rupert’s Resolute List Of Things I Won’t Be Doing In 2016.

Sky-diving Near Sydney

Down in Goulburn in mid-November an experienced sky diving instructor died and his 14 year-old client was seriously injured when a ‘freak wind’ caused them to free fall to the ground from about 20 metres in the air. If there’s one thing I hate more than heights, it’s freak winds, so the chance of me launching myself from a moving plane at 14,000 feet in 2016 is a function of zero and anything. There’s very little terrifying about terra firma if you’re standing firmly upon it.

Surfing In South Africa

One of the editors of this fine publication spend a fortnight flailing around in the waters of Jeffreys Bay leading up to that very near fateful day in July when professional surfer Mick Fanning almost became fish food. When James spoke about the trip he was about to embark on, I must admit that it sounded right up my alley. Then I read about shark alley, watched Mick nearly end up in a shark’s belly and decided that a trip to this part of the world would just be plain silly. Not only do I surf like an overweight 50-year-old from Point Piper, I also like my limbs, and I prefer them to be attached to my torso.

Going Anywhere Need Paris

Heck, I’m not even going to go to French restaurant. The place is jinxed. For a joint known romantically as the city of love, there is a hell of a lot of hatred hanging around the French capital right now. I don’t know enough about French politics to understand why radicalised Muslims see Paris as some sort of macabre jihadi amusement park, but they sure have done a number of the place this year. When it comes to Le Paris, I definitely won’t go.

Road Tripping Through Mexico

It isn’t all lazy blokes in big hats and little girls with innovative ideas for taco design; Mexico is the f**king Wild West. The dream of cheap tacos, latino sinoritas, ice cold Coronas and empty waves isn’t too far-fetched, but when juxtaposed against the possibility of ending up on the wrong side of one of the many drug cartels, things can quickly become nightmarish. This has never been more evident from an Australian perspective than when two young blokes from our very own Wild West decided to drive through the night in one Mexico’s most dangerous territories last month. Days later, after nothing was heard from the young surfers, the van they had been travelling in was found burnt out on the side of the road with two bodies inside. It’s this sort of horrific event that really makes you think twice about buying a second bag at Mrs Sippy on a Saturday night.

Happy New Year!