Rupert’s Resolutions For 2014
Before I get started on this month’s column, I should note that my promotion to the illustrious early pages of The Beast – real estate usually reserved for the Queen of Clovelly, Lady Pearl Bullivant – is only a temporary one. Poor old Pearl has done her self a little mischief while tending to her prize-winning roses and has been unable to put pen to paper for the past few weeks, meaning that she couldn’t piece together her usual handwritten prose in time to make the January edition’s December print deadline.
At this time of year, dear Pearl usually pens a list of her New Year’s resolutions. Personally, I’m not one to make sweeping changes in my life. I’m generally pretty happy with my lot and while many people say that a change is a good as a holiday, my life is pretty much a holiday anyway, so why change?
So rather than make a bunch of unachievable New Year’s resolutions for myself, I’ve decided to assign a few to some prominent Australians who have filled column inches in a variety of media over the past 12 months.
Dear Malcolm, please endeavour to keep the weight off for another year, as you are a much more likeable chap when you are cutting a svelte figure. As soon as you pack on a few pounds you look like a pompous, private school educated Point Piper resident, which is hardly acceptable in the political arena when the majority of our nation’s population is made up of plebs.
A number of sporting teams are known to implement a ‘No Dickheads’ policy, but of late the Wallabies have not been one of them. They’ve been faced with a situation in which they lose when they have too many dickheads but they suffer the same fate when get rid of all of them. Thus, in 2014 I suggest that you, ‘Link’, employ a ‘Some Dickheads’ policy, or a ‘Dickhead Quota’, if you will. The key to the Wallabies winning is as much about playing good rugby as it about achieving ‘dickhead equilibrium’. Thus, keep Cooper if you must, but enlist other dickheads at your peril.
Reopen the bloody cinema in Double Bay Frank. Make it your New Year’s resolution. It’ll breathe some life into a shopping centre that resembles a ghost town during the daylight hours and is fast becoming an extension of Kings Cross after the sun goes down. And if you paid anyone off to ensure a favourable World Cup draw, go and get your money back!
I’m a traditionalist Michael, and while I love seeing Australia destroy the Poms both mentally and physically in the cricket, I suggest that in 2014 you make your personal aggression towards the opposition a touch less obvious. Leave that to the fast bowlers. Instead, make your nasty comments with a smile on your face and do so out of earshot of the stump microphones. I’m happy for you to be a little prick, but make sure the children watching aren’t aware of it, as that sort of behaviour will soon be repeated at junior sporting venues throughout the country, which benefits no one. In 2014, remember that you’re a role model.
Despite being a Point Piper resident for most of the year, I spend my summers living in Bondi Beach, where Cr Sally Betts is the mayor. All I ask you in 2014, Sally, is that you provide more parking spaces for motorbikes and scooters. I recently invested in a new Triumph Bonneville T100 not only to redicover my youth but also as a matter of convenience. However, having bugger-all motorcycle parking areas down at Bondi Beach is hardly what I’d call convenient. Please fix this, Sally, then you can forget about all the other public transport problems facing Bondi for yet another year – motorbikes good, cars bad.