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Sex Is Not Spontaneous!

By Matty Silver, Sex Therapist on October 29, 2015 in Other

Photo: Ray Piste

Photo: Ray Piste

One issue my clients often complain about is the fact that sex is not spontaneous anymore. They remember the early days in their relationship when they had sex all the time, but after a while sex will become less frequent and less spontaneous.

Sex may still be good, but not that exciting anymore; sometimes it may become a chore. This could also coincide with becoming more domestic, working long hours and, for some couples, starting a family, which leaves little spare time for rumpy-pumpy. That doesn’t mean that the great sex you used to have should also be gone; you just need to find ways to keep your relationship interesting.

Unfortunately, the belief that sex should always be spontaneous is a myth; it just isn’t the case. Sex doesn’t just mysteriously happen; if you want to have good sex you have to create the time and space to get in the mood and look forward to it. The best way to do that is planning or scheduling sex, which can be as romantic and enjoyable as other pleasurable planned activities.

We don’t just plan everyday household needs and tasks, we also plan other activities just for enjoyment. When you plan a beautiful dinner, you have to work out what to buy and cook. When you go on a holiday, you have to decide when, where and what hotels to book. These activities involve anticipation, which is part of the fun. So why should planning to have sex be any different?

It is essential to make time for sex and make it important. Couples often complain about having no time for intimacy, no time to talk to each other and as a result sex has gone on the back burner. But what about the often ridiculous amount of time many people spend on social media, checking Facebook, Instagram or Twitter? It may be time to adjust your priorities.

The most important ingredient in keeping your relationship happy is real communication, so make sure you find time to talk to each other properly. It is not the responsibility of your partner to read your mind and make you happy, so it’s important to tell your partner about your needs or feelings, and vice versa.

My advice is to stop focusing on whether or not sex is spontaneous. Start focusing instead on how to make it happen more. There are many ways to bring the passion back. Determine which time of day you prefer to have sex. It doesn’t have to be at the end of the evening when you go to bed and both of you are tired or exhausted.

Plan to have sex during the day or on the weekend. Childless couples should decide what’s more important on Saturday or Sunday morning: the early morning jog, the gym or sex. Make foreplay important; send sexy messages, give your partner more compliments, show your desire, and do more kissing, touching, rubbing or hugging.

Keep in mind, if you don’t plan time with your partner to have sex and be intimate, desire can slowly fade away.