Star Signs – August 2018
LEO JUL 23-AUG 22
Your privileged upbringing has made you totally oblivious to the average person and the issues they face, so stop pretending to care.
VIRGO AUG 23-SEP 23
Identifying and attacking the faults in others is much easier than addressing the flaws you see in yourself, which is why you do it.
LIBRA SEP 24-OCT 23
Don’t be that person who fills up the petrol tank before the light even comes on. It’s time to start living more dangerously.
SCORPIO OCT 24-NOV 22
Donning activewear isn’t going to convince anyone that you actually exercise. Your formless, flabby rig will make absolutely sure of that.
SAGITTARIUS NOV 23-DEC 21
If you’re wondering why you keep waking up so horny in the middle of the night, it could have something to do with your new neighbour.
CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 20
Stop referring to yourself as a ‘dog person’. You’re not; you just struggle to make human friends so you’ve had to settle for animals.
AQUARIUS JAN 21-FEB 19
If your nose is itchy, you scratch it. Why should different rules apply to your privates? If your junk is itchy, have a fiddle for f*ck’s sake.
PISCES FEB 20-MAR 20
Flatulence is a genuine medical condition, so rather than being embarrassed by your farts, start using them to gain sympathy.
ARIES MAR 21-APR 20
Without ever discovering its ori- gin, this month you will discover a steaming fresh turd on your bathroom floor.
TAURUS APR 21-MAY 21
If you hate your job, your boss and your colleagues, and don’t even re- ally like your friends, there’s a good chance that you’re a massive c**t.
GEMINI MAY 22-JUN 21
Never ever admit to being wrong, because right up until the moment you admit that you’re wrong, you’re right. Think about that.
CANCER JUN 22-JUL 22
The best sunrises generally take place when you sleep in, so do all of the genuine early risers a favour and stay in bed.