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Supermarket Sweep

By Pearl Bullivant on October 31, 2013 in Other

Photo: Wes Farmer

Photo: Wes Farmer

If Pearl had to nominate one place where the worst of Eastern Suburbs behaviour is on display I would have to give my vote to the supermarket. Real estate open houses, car parks and private schools aren’t far off, but there’s something ‘special’ about the race to buy food; something primal that compels people to disregard the concept of morality as soon as one enters the ruthless duopolies of either Coles or Woolworths.

Of course rudeness isn’t limited to the mighty two – gourmet grocers are a favourite with the hipster set for fits of bad behaviour, combined with a touch of rudeness from the counter staff, whilst for those who are keen to see trolley rage in full flight amongst the older generations, I’ve been told Norton Street Grocers is the place to be.

So with supermarket etiquette in mind and the gluttony of Christmas shopping in our midst, I felt that this month it was my duty to provide a ‘guide’ to the ‘types’ one must watch out for when engaging in what has become strategic warfare in the grocery aisles. Being forewarned makes it a lot easier to dodge purple yoga mats and….

Pensioners, self-funded retirees, anyone over sixty-five – Bad supermarket behaviour is the domain of oldies who have nothing better to do than loiter meaninglessly in supermarkets, deliberately blocking aisles, bashing into the ankles of thong wearers and engaging in outrageous behaviour as a form of revenge against Gen X and Y. They race to the checkout after meandering like a snail down the aisles and brazenly walk to the front of the line with walking stick in hand – can revenge be any sweeter? And don’t forget that old trick of grabbing one’s trolley and blocking the entrance as if one has forgotten they are actually in a supermarket – causes havoc every time! Woolworths Double Bay is the absolute epicentre for this type of behaviour, with Grand Dames proving their superiority in a fit of ‘we shall not be moved’. Actually, ‘the Bays’ are the epicentre for all bad civilian behaviour.

Young lovers – Having shacked up together, the supermarket is just the place to seal the deal with displays of public affection better left at home. They can be seen canoodling over whether honey or maple syrup would make a better ‘romantic aid’, because there’s nothing like making other shoppers feel like perverts as they are forced to reach into the freezer section right where one is in the grips of passion. Young lovers also like to spice up the romance by playing a game of ‘hedging one’s bets’ at the checkout, with girlfriend in one queue with the trolley and boyfriend trolley-less in the other queue, waiting to see who reaches the checkout first. Alas, there is nothing romantic about supermarket shopping and having been married three times I can assure young lovers they will soon be arguing over whose turn it is to grocery shop and spewing rage at those pathetic queue hedge betters.

Yummy Mummies – Like all public arenas, the supermarket is a perfect place to primp, preen and conduct loud boastful phone conversations outside the realm of the Clobaby Road café strip. With yoga mats under their arms, tiny gym shorts leaving little to the imagination and an outfit topped off with a North Face puffer jacket (perfect for the frozen goods aisle), the call button on their mobile phones is engaged as soon as the shopping trolley is grabbed. The supermarket is yet another ‘experience’ for these women, who, whilst simultaneously flaunting their toned bodies and screaming into an iPhone, also take delight in letting their kiddies unstack the trolley with a mounting queue behind them.

Happy combat, sweeties – and remember: the humble yoga mat (in camouflage) is your best weapon!

Pearlie xxx