Talk To ‘The Hand’

By Pearl Bullivant on December 15, 2010 in Other

“Talk to the hand cause the elbow ain’t listening”. Yes, that’s Pearl’s creed when driving in the Eastern Suburbs. And when I say, “talk to the hand”, I literally mean “talk to ‘THE HAND’”. What is it about ‘the hand’? It is used so liberally by those behind the wheels of 4WDs or luxury European cars, particularly those driven by Yummy Mummies who decide it’s a good idea to do a three-point turn in the middle of peak hour traffic.

By ‘the hand’, I’m not talking about an obscene gesture or the ‘bird’. And I definitely don’t mean the ‘thank you’ wave; anyone arrogant enough to be wielding ‘the hand’ certainly isn’t going to exhibit gratitude. No, I’m talking about using ‘the hand’ as a stop sign – nosing the car into traffic, creeping up the left hand lane, or doing an illegal u-turn while putting up ‘the hand’ so the traffic will stop. It may also be accompanied by a wan smile and a toss of a blonde bob, especially if ‘the hand’ is shown by a Yummy Mummy in a 4WD bearing a ‘Baby on Board’ sign (when are those signs going to be officially declared unfashionable by the SMH’s ‘Essential’ lift-out?).

I suppose using ‘the hand’ is similar to how buses put on their blinkers and one gives way, but the ‘when in doubt, pull out’ blinker tactic is already employed by pushy Yummy Mummies outside Moriah College during school pick-up hour.

My great nephew noticed ‘the hand’ today when I was driving him to school. A desperate BMW 4WDing father was trying to cut in on me, so he put ‘the hand’ up to his car window like a stop sign, ordering me to yield my progress so he could turn out of a side street. For Christ’s sake, the impatient dear only had to wait until I passed, as there were no cars behind me. He was obviously someone very important, like a stockbroker.

Of course ‘the hand’ was promptly overlooked by Pearl. I was far too busy having a ‘zen moment’ in my old Ford Falcon, listening to the soothing tones of ABC National while my nephew screamed, “That man wants you to stop” (followed by, “Why does he want you to stop?”), in the back.

Since there are lots of people like Pearl having ‘zen moments’ in the horrid Eastern Suburbs traffic, and since there are a plethora of people utilising ‘the hand’ because their hobby is bad driving, I have come up with a solution for those who wield ‘the hand’. I figure they need to get hold of one of those stop signs used by the lollipop people at school crossings. Most lollipop people are elderly (like Pearl) so it would be easy for a gym-obsessed, lycra-clad Yummy Mummy to whip one of those signs out of their hands at a zebra crossing (e.g. the one outside of St Catherine’s) and make a quick getaway down Macpherson Street to their architecturally designed home in Bronte. With the stop sign securely hidden away in the Bugaboo no one would be the wiser. Just trim off the stick and you have an instant traffic calmer to stick out the window of the Range Rover ‘Vogue’ 4WD – far more effective than the manicured hand!

Always ready to be of help… Love Pearl.