The Mighty Wallabies

By Alasdair McClintock on October 17, 2015 in Other

Sometimes life imitates art in the strangest of ways. Ever noticed how much Kyle Sandilands looks and acts like Eric Cartman from South Park? It’s disturbing. You would think that Sandilands had modelled himself on that portly little prick, but then you have to ask yourself, why would anyone do that? It defies good sense. As does my assertion that the Wallabies are certainties to win this year’s Rugby World Cup, but I stand by it. Why? The Mighty Ducks, that’s why.

For those not familiar with the ’90s film franchise, The Mighty Ducks were an ice hockey team made up of a ragtag bunch of kids who pulled together to do the unthinkable and win the Pee Wee Championship.

I am too scared to rewatch it, at the risk of shattering my rose-petal memories, but it was a wonderful sporting tale about a group of misfits who overcame adversity and took out the ultimate prize – much like the Wallabies are about to do in England.

It featured a young Emilio Estevez as the reckless young lawyer, Gordon Bombay, who has to coach the team for community service. Michael Cheika isn’t quite coaching the Wallabies as a result of a court order, but given the six-month suspended sentence hanging over his head for abusing a cameraman has just expired, he can be deemed at least a little reckless.

And that’s exactly what Australia needs: a reluctant and volatile hero who will get the best out of these kids from the wrong side of the tracks, and by ‘tracks’ I mean the Tasman.

Because over the ditch, looking down upon our ragamuffin heroes, are the All Blacks, a.k.a. The Edina Hawks – an aggressive bunch of much bigger kids whose uniforms just happen to be all black (and when you squint really hard their logo even looks like a silver fern, kind of).
Bernard Foley even reminds me of a young Joshua Jackson, or Charlie Conway (you might need to squint again). Kind of awkward looking, but when you get him on the ice he’s better than Ben Cousins!

I know exactly how it will unfold. Israel Folau will field a kick in the dying minutes with Australia down by six. The rest of the team will join him at the back and Matt Giteau will call the ultimate play: ‘The Flying V’. The tiring All Blacks’ won’t know what hit them! Richie McCaw will no doubt do something illegal, but it won’t matter. The Honey Badger (Nick Cummins) will crash over in the corner and we’ll be within a point.

Step up Foley in all his delightful awkwardness. As he composes himself, a slow ‘Quack! Quack! Quack!’ will emanate from the stands. Soon the whole of Twickenham will quack in unison. He will wipe a drop of sweat from his brow, start his run and connect sweetly. The ball will soar, as if in slow motion, through the posts. The Wallabies win. Freeze frame. Fade to black. Roll credits.

Anti-mimesis at its finest.