News Satire People Food Other

What Pissed Off Pearl in 2011

By Pearl Bullivant on December 2, 2011 in Other

Call me a whinger and a ‘wannabe journalist’ (did I ever profess to be anything more or less, darlings?), but as the self-appointed Member for Clovelly it is my civic duty to monitor arrogant and obnoxious behaviour in the Eastern Suburbs. You might think it is commonsense not to park across driveways or bring your dog to school drop off and expect the teacher to mind it while you move your illegally parked 4WD, but there’s a whole generation of people who just don’t get it and need to be bought into line on a monthly basis by old Pearlie. And now that another year of whinging has passed, it’s time for Pearl to spill the angst of the Eastern Suburbs with ‘What Pissed off Pearl in 2011’…


• The sight of two overweight personal trainers from a well-known gym munching on lollies in Bondi Junction. Surely one can expect a personal trainer to be fit, slim and nutritionally aware, but I surmise it is all part of a clever marketing plan to make skinny, botoxed yummy mummies feel better about themselves, especially when they can brag to their friends that they are skinnier than their personal trainer.

• The mother-daughter tag team who openly abuse the disabled parking scheme in Bondi Junction and Woollahra in their white Toyota Kluger 4WD. You know who you are and so do Pearl’s vigilant Woollahra-dwelling friends!
• Gentrification – why does it come accompanied with $12 loaves of bread, $24/kilo organic muesli and pretentious wine bars?

• Self-confessed ‘control freak’ yummy mummies who have the perfect career, perfect car, perfect husband and perfect house and then complain that life isn’t perfect because they can’t choose the sex of their child via IVF. Alas, a baby boy won’t match the Collette Dinnigan layette waiting for the perfect pink princess in the walk-in-wardrobe of the perfectly interior-designed nursery. Get a grip on your perfect life. Thousands of childless women endure the agony of IVF and you have the audacity to whinge because you have naturally conceived “yet another boy”.

• The lack of cycle paths in Sydney. Pedestrians are a rarity in the Eastern Suburbs (why walk when you can 4WD?) so why can’t Randwick and Waverley Councils declare footpaths as dual purpose for cyclists and pedestrians like in Brisbane and Perth?

• Bus commuters who don’t have their bus pass ready before they board the bus and create peak hour havoc rifling through their wallet/handbag on the bus steps. GET THE PASS OUT OF YOUR BAG BEFORE YOU GET ON THE BUS – IT’S COMMONSENSE!

• Randwick and Waverley Councils’ development laws. What’s the point of the DA system when you can just make major changes to your house, without prior permission, and all you get is a slap on the wrist from the council? No fine, no order to pull down the work, just a “please don’t do it again”.

• The rude, young staff that work in surf stores. I can understand that you don’t want your shop littered with ‘old’ people (i.e. anyone over 40), but while ever Pearl needs a spring suit for winter swimming and my husband needs board shorts I am going to patronise your store and make life hell for you through my mere presence.

And now, the 2011 ‘must haves’: Sparrow Cafe, WAYS, vegetarian Moo Burgers, bushwalking in the Eastern Suburbs, mountain climbing, Bill Granger (the only ‘celebrity’ chef apart from Simon from ‘Cook and the Chef’ worth his cooking salt), Wairoa School, and clothing swap parties where one can exchange Osti dresses for brown gabardine slacks.

Xmas kisses… Pearl xx