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By Matty Silver, Sex Therapist on August 23, 2017 in People

Fake it till you make it?

Some time ago a 23-year-old woman came to see me. She had had a few short-term relationships with boyfriends, but never achieved an orgasm with any of them while having penetrative sex. They didn’t seem to worry about it much and neither did she, because she never had a problem having an orgasm on her own.

However, she met a guy who she really liked and she became quite upset when he claimed she was the only girlfriend he’d ever slept with who did not orgasm when they had intercourse. What was wrong with her?

Some men believe so much in their sexual prowess that they see it as a personal challenge to make their lovers climax – and are very disappointed when they don’t.

What most men and women don’t know is that only 20 to 25 per cent of women can achieve an orgasm by just having penetrative sex. Women who often don’t have a problem achieving an orgasm on their own can’t understand why they don’t climax with their partner. Since this is not common knowledge, there is a high percentage of males and females (especially) who end up feeling very inadequate.

Unfortunately popular culture doesn’t help either. How many movies do we see these days where within minutes of starting to have sex the actors end up having mind-blowing simultaneous orgasms, which in reality is almost impossible?

Some men, like my client’s boyfriend, believe in their sexual prowess so much that they see it as a personal challenge to make their girlfriends climax – and are very disappointed when they don’t. By expressing this with questions like: “Have you come yet?” it’s no surprise that some women believe ‘faking it’ is so much easier – they may feel guilty, but it’s an easy way to keep their partner happy. That said, protecting a man’s ego is understandable, but it does not really work as a ‘relationship maintenance strategy’.

I suggested my client sit down with her partner and tell him there was nothing wrong with her, but she was not prepared to fake an orgasm and that she’d like to discuss ways to change how they have sex.

So what does make it easier for women to have an orgasm with a partner? A woman who is comfortable touching her own body is more likely to know what feels good for her, and she can then show her partner what she likes, whether that is him stimulating her clitoris during intercourse, or her using her own fingers or a small vibrator to do the same. A good option for a man is giving oral sex first to get her aroused.

So should you be a faker? I don’t believe so. The most important thing is to communicate and focus on each other’s pleasure. and realise that it is not always necessary for sex to end with the ‘elusive’ orgasm!