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Beardy From Hell – April 2020

By Beardy from Hell on April 13, 2020 in Satire


Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
It’s always nice to see the absolute best in people, but it will allow them to get away with their absolute worst.

Taurus Apr 21-May 21
Hanging around people with lots of money will only make you feel poor. Seek out some povo mates and enjoy the affluence.

Gemini May 22-Jun 21
All the effort you put into your ‘mindfulness’ and ‘wellness’ is leaving your physicality in a mess. Looking good is more important.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Despite a weak Aussie dollar and the Coronavirus, there’s never been a better time to travel. Book a trip before the fear subsides.

Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Your nasal hairs will grow particularly fast this month, almost as if someone stuffed fertiliser up there.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Rediscover the joys of fingering. You used to be a master of the craft and it’s been way too long since your last foray.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
You ought to start treating people with a bit of respect, otherwise the crowd could turn on you in an instant.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
When the time arrives to buy warm clothes for the coming cool season, please make better choices than you did last year.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
It’s not too late to do the things you wish you did when you were younger. If you think you’re too old to rock, then you probably are.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
You don’t really need to suck up to people at work anymore. They like you already so stop trying so bloody hard.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
The best way to deal with your worries is by making your life so busy that you barely have time to think about anything else.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
When was the last time you did something that scared the shit out of you? Get out of your comfort zone and live a little.