Beardy From Hell – August 2020
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
You worry way too much about all your possessions. You’d be heaps happier if you owned less shit, so stop accumulating.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
It’s not some silly genetic disorder or food intolerance that’s making you tired, it’s because you don’t get enough bloody sleep.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
You’d only be able to root about 3 per cent of the people you think you could, so it’s worth maintaining your current squeeze.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
People are always nice to you because you’ve always been nice to them, so keep being a legend and your life will be wonderful.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Get up off your lazy arse and get your bloody life in order, or at least try and find someone who’ll do it for you.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
If you really have to believe in something that’s not real, just stick with religion instead of your stupid conspiracy theories.
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
If you’re not doing something that scares the shit out of you at least once a month, you’re not really living.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Yes, there is a solution to every problem, but quite often your hair-brained solutions are worse than the problem itself.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Your friends have more fun than you because they take more drugs – simple as that. I’ll leave the important decisions to you.
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
You’re going to start noticing heaps of things that resemble scrotums, which could be a sign that you need to cradle a sack.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
If you put as much effort into your work as you do into deciding what to have for dinner, you’ll be a very successful person.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Eyeing off your neighbour’s spouse will wind up getting you bashed or gangied – there’s no in-between – so tread carefully.