Beardy from Hell – December 2019
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Before placing the vacuum cleaner on your genitals, carefully check the settings and make sure no one can see into your room.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
You are a goat, so you should behave like one. Eat whatever the f*ck you like, and climb a mountain if you feel the urge.
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Stop trying to think of a clever reply all the time and instead focus on understanding the person you are listening to.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Love is the answer to all your problems. Anger is getting you nowhere, although it could if you didn’t look like such a fairy.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Treat yourself to a roll of the softest 3-ply toilet paper available. You haven’t been giving your bottom the respect it deserves.
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
Please put more thought into your Christmas present purchases this festive season. Last year’s really didn’t cut the mustard.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Your lack of respect for money and how difficult it can be to earn is going to come back to bite you very soon.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Don’t wait for karma to do its job. Be the karma you want to see in the world, even if it means egging someone’s house.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, but if you just sit on your arse someone will pity you and give you a lift.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Go for a stroll, hug a tree, pick up some dog poo and sniff it, then put it in the bin. It’s the simple things that make you feel alive.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
If one plus one equals two, then maybe you should have a think about why you keep coming up with three as the answer.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Don’t waste your energy trying to prove to everyone that you’re a good person. Just be a good person and everyone will know.