Beardy from Hell – February 2021
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
It’s time for a career change. You could make quite good money as a hooker if only you’d invest in a spot of plastic surgery.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Work really, really hard so you can give the government more money to give to people that don’t want to work.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Only donate your hard-earned money to charity if you’ve completely exhausted all avenues for spending it on yourself.
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
Despite your good nature and kind heartedness, someone somewhere is plotting to kill you. Better watch your back.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Waking up with a sore bum is no great cause for concern, unless you’re in a gimp suit and there’s a used dildo on the floor.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Only help a desperate friend out in a time of need if you can see an opportunity to leverage it for the rest of their life.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Be careful not to masturbate so frequently and vigorously that you lose all sensitivity to anything other than your hand.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Don’t let anything trivial cause you unnecessary stress, every problem goes away if you ignore it for long enough.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Leave a big steaming log marinating in the dunny bowl to remind family and friends of your existence.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Go vegan, so you can tell every poor bastard within earshot how morally and ethically superior you are at every opportunity.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Don’t let anyone stand in the way of your goals, even if you have to burn your closest mates to get there. They’d do the same.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Be sure to over-accessorise this month, in order to divert attention away from your horrendous choice of clothing.