Beardy from Hell – January 2021
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
If you haven’t been getting enough loving lately, it could be time to start using your imagination to sort yourself out.
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Overgrooming can look ridiculous, but a reasonable level of bush management is considered common courtesy these days.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
The only long-term solution to your body insecurity issues is to turn 21 again, which probably isn’t going to happen.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Stop wasting money on new shit and just use what you’ve got. New gear won’t make you any better at whatever it is you’re trying to do.
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
You need to start showing a little more empathy. Saying, “It’s just business,” is no excuse for being a heartless c*nt.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Your rig looks way better to others than it does to you in the mirror, so lift your chin up and start showing some confidence.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
If you’re not ploughing at least three times a week, you don’t like your partner enough and should consider brushing them.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Go easy on the hard brushing or you’ll push your gums back up into the roof of your mouth, where they’ll remain for eternity.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Getting old always has its pros and cons, but whether you like it or not, you are slowly turning into your parents.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Go easy on the drugs and alcohol in January, unless you’ve just gone through a break-up and need to self-medicate.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Always try and be the better person in a dispute with a friend. Alternatively, dig your heels in and totally burn the relationship.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Waste money as if you’re richer than ever, because you know the government will always bail you out regardless.