Beardy From Hell – July
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
It’s time to accept that you are well past your peak and just try to enjoy the steady descent into old age and irrelevance.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
You shouldn’t count your chickens before they hatch, but you should certainly count your eggs, so stop being such a pessimist.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Start a family dispute, purely so you can have an emotional reunion to look forward to in a year’s time.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Don’t worry about going deaf, at least you won’t have to listen to your partner’s whinging anymore.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
It’s time you hooked up with your boss. It’s been on the cards for a while now, and you are in need of a pay rise.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Self-defence classes are a complete waste of time and money when you are flat broke and unattractive.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Your inability to walk out of a shop without buying something makes you unsuitable for credit card ownership.
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Don’t be alarmed by the significant increase in the size of your pubic mound. Use it to your advantage to cushion the impact.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Going to church will make you feel a little bit better about yourself, but it will not make you a better person. Remember that.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Admitting that you were wrong can be a very difficult thing to do when you are always right about everything.
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
Standing naked in front of the mirror at this time of year will only make you sad. Buy some new clothes and model them instead.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
The only good decisions you seem to make are spontaneous ones. Plan nothing and see how your life improves.