Beardy From Hell – June 2019
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
There’s nothing like a new hairstyle to reinvent yourself, but you need to focus more on your personality for lasting change.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
You’re going to be too busy to exercise this winter, so just hang around fatter people and worry about your love handles later.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
An unflushable log will cause much stress prior to a visit from a friend. Just lock the dunny door and tell them it’s broken.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Lifestyle changes won’t solve your health issues. You’ve ruined your body with drugs, you’ll need drugs to repair the damage.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
If you hate going on holidays, having plenty of spare time and getting on well with your neighbours, go and buy a dog.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Your greenhouse gas emissions are about to breach the nation’s reductions target. Go easy on the onions, for Christ’s sake.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
The only way you’ll get ahead is by engaging in illegal activity. You can’t compete on a level playing field, it’s time to get dirty.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Sitting on your arse all day is not going to make it any smaller. Take advantage of the cooler weather and run it off.
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Invest in your intellectual development rather than your appearance. Having a six pack isn’t much good if you can’t count to ten.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
An idea you have this month could change your life forever, but you’ll need to actually put it into action to reap the rewards.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Don’t feel bad for hating your mate’s kids. They inherited the worst of both parents’ personalities and you can’t fight genetics.
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
Never trust the care of your eyebrows to another person; they are pretty much guaranteed to make you look ridiculous.