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Beardy from Hell – June 2020

By Beardy from Hell on June 4, 2020 in Satire


Gemini May 22-Jun 21
As Australia comes out of lockdown, you’ll look back on all the spare time you wasted and regret it for the rest of your life.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Spending money you don’t have to buy things you don’t need, and expecting someone else to pay for it, means you’re a hooker.

Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
When you’re trying to gain ground with people you want to befriend, it’s okay to completely neglect your existing friends.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Rather than explaining the merits of your plan, hijack legitimate social causes to advance your own self-interest.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
No, you’re not drinking more than usual; you’re just spending more on booze because you don’t have your mates at the pub to scab off.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Whenever you dabble in a different genre, you’re really just running from the music your parents listened to when you were little.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Stop being so awkward and just go straight in for the tonguey every time you get introduced to someone.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Fart loudly and proudly, so your mates at least have the option of covering their noses or jumping out of the nearest window.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
You pretend to hate your job, but you’ve really missed your work colleagues during lockdown. They haven’t missed you.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Spending in excess of $200 on a first date isn’t really all that different to visiting a brothel, when you give it some thought.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
You need to eliminate a few burdens from your life in order to make time for the things you love. Start with your partner.

Taurus Apr 21-May 21
Watching porn is perfectly normal, but moderation is the key. Your consumption lately can only be described as excessive.