Beardy From Hell – March 2020
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Quit whining about the temperature and enjoy this hot weather while it lasts. You’ll be freezing your tits off in a few months.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
You can escape to just about anywhere in the world, but you’ll still be stuck with what you’re trying to get away from.
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
Selling out your morals and values for a few bucks is not on. It has to be at least a hundred dollars to make it acceptable.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Your urge to help others is driven by a deep desire to feel as if you don’t need help yourself. Alas, it is you who needs the help.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Make sure the fortune that you seek is the fortune that you need. Instagram won’t provide the answer to what’s missing.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Bushfires? What bushfires? Forget about all that nonsense and move onto your next charity fad. Oh, you already have.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
An exotic temptress with a fetish for faeces is putting your self-control to the test. It’s not worth it, I can assure you.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Anyone you consider a friend, who doesn’t reply to texts within 24 hours, must be immediately and permanently deleted.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Why teach someone how to actually do something, when there’s way more money in just teaching them to teach it?
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Stop complaining about how much your partner spends on their appearance and just be happy they’re a bloody good sort.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
You may think you’ve shafted someone and gotten away with it, but you’re the one getting shafted, on multiple fronts.
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Beware of those annoying people with seemingly perfect lives. A wise person once said, “No baggage is your baggage.”