Beardy from Hell – March 2021
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
One of your closest friends hasn’t been wiping their arse properly. Avoid touching them at all costs.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Take a holiday to regional New South Wales so you: a) Appreciate living in Sydney, b) Never have to go there again.
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
If you want to lose weight, now is not the time. Fatten up a bit and try again in a year or so when the loss will be more impressive.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
White-anting your colleagues is a perfectly acceptable defensive strategy if they’re getting in the way of your pay rise.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Spend some money on a decent pair of sunnies. You look bloody ridiculous in those things you’ve been wearing lately.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Chuck a sickie, then spend the whole day working anyway, because the rest of your colleagues are f*cking useless.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Just be nice to people. You’ve been a bit of a f*ckwit your whole life, it’s not too late to change.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Stop blaming your antisocial behaviour on COVID. You were a cave-dwelling hermit long before Wuhan wet market f*cked us all.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Just because your school friends are more successful than you, it doesn’t mean you’re stupid. It’s because you’re lazy and abrasive.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Putting monkeys on other people’s backs is a great way of avoiding accountability, until they all drop dead from starvation.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
A new pair of undies could potentially change your life, especially if you’ve skidded throughout your existing collection.
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Next time someone pushes in front of you, lean forward and softly whisper, “I’ve got Coronavirus,” then lick their face.