Beardy From Hell – May 2019
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
No one gives a f*ck which school you went to; all that matters is how much money your parents have.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Someone, somewhere, is hatching an elaborate scheme to separate you from your assets. You need to stay on your toes.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Owning two chickens and a KeepCup does not make you environmentally ‘woke’ when you eat, breathe and shit every day.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Don’t be afraid to deliver a reprimand every now and then. If someone’s being an arsehole, they deserve to know.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
The key to failure is trying to please everyone, thus the key to success is not giving a f*ck about anyone.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
An old flame will return to your life and turn your world upside down, but things are always better the right way up.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
It doesn’t matter how good you appear from the outside, if your junk is a mess no one will go near it.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
It’s never too cold to jump in the ocean. Stop being a tightarse and buy that new wetsuit you’ve been deliberating over.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Trying to get an early night is pointless when you lie awake for hours anyway. Who needs sleep when you’ve got crystal meth?
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
You are special and deserve special privileges, so show zero courtesy and continue driving like the spoilt, selfish toff you are.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless thy neighbour submits a DA to build a nicer house than yours – then the gloves are off.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
If someone lets their dog shit on your lawn and doesn’t pick it up, it’s your divine right to smear it on their face.