Beardy from Hell – May 2020
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
Have a crack at writing a song. Everyone’s got a number one hit inside them somewhere, you just need to dig it out.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Stop stressing. The entire world is f*cked, so take comfort in the fact that we’re all in this steaming pile of shit together.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Don’t forget to clean and disinfect all the household items you have been putting inside your bottom lately.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Try listening a little and you’ll find that the answer to the question you’re about to interrupt with will be forthcoming.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
You’re about to hit the all time peak of your sexual powers, so be sure to make the most of it while it lasts.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
You’ve always been renowned for talking a bit too close to people’s faces, but you really need to get out of the habit now.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
When the chips are down and everything seems hopeless, that’s when you are at your best. It’s time to step up.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Make the most of all the spare time you’ve got or you’ll regret it in five years time when everything is back to normal.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
By all means listen to the experts, but be sure to stick to your guns when it comes to matters of morals and values.
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
With all your filthy habits and poor personal hygiene, COVID-19 is the least of your worries.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Pretty much everyone is completely f*cked at the moment, but don’t worry; you and your problems are still the priority.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Watch Tiger King on Netflix. It’s a documentary about the US equivalent of you and your mates but with exotic animals involved.