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Beardy from Hell – May 2020

By jimmyhutton on May 14, 2020 in Satire


Taurus Apr 21-May 21
Have a crack at writing a song. Everyone’s got a number one hit inside them somewhere, you just need to dig it out.

Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Stop stressing. The entire world is f*cked, so take comfort in the fact that we’re all in this steaming pile of shit together.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Don’t forget to clean and disinfect all the household items you have been putting inside your bottom lately.

Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Try listening a little and you’ll find that the answer to the question you’re about to interrupt with will be forthcoming.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
You’re about to hit the all time peak of your sexual powers, so be sure to make the most of it while it lasts.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
You’ve always been renowned for talking a bit too close to people’s faces, but you really need to get out of the habit now.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
When the chips are down and everything seems hopeless, that’s when you are at your best. It’s time to step up.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Make the most of all the spare time you’ve got or you’ll regret it in five years time when everything is back to normal.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
By all means listen to the experts, but be sure to stick to your guns when it comes to matters of morals and values.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
With all your filthy habits and poor personal hygiene, COVID-19 is the least of your worries.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Pretty much everyone is completely f*cked at the moment, but don’t worry; you and your problems are still the priority.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Watch Tiger King on Netflix. It’s a documentary about the US equivalent of you and your mates but with exotic animals involved.