Beardy From Hell – May 2021
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
Earn some good karma by flicking a few bucks to a cancer charity like The Leukaemia Foundation or Dreams2Live4.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Buy a teddy bear to cuddle at night. They’ve got ones that can pretty much replace your partner, and they don’t snore or fart.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
The reason you’re so unhappy is because you don’t really try. Stop relying on others to bring you joy and start making an effort.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Now that the warmer months are behind us and there’s no pressure to look hot, it’s time to relax and become a fat slob again.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Buy tickets to a show and help all the performers who have done it tough this last year, even though they’re earning more than you.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Accepting that not everything will go your way will empower you to see things for how they really are, i.e. pretty f*cked.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Love is in the air. Be careful where you get your jollies though because you’re too shit at lying to get away with anything.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
You have a tendency to overestimate what you know and underestimate what others know, and it’s really infuriating for everyone.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
The reason people find it so hard to argue with you is that you’re always right. Even when you’re wrong, you know you’re right.
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
This month you’re going to really enjoy having various fruits and vegetables either touching or very close to your private parts.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
The older you get, the less you’ll enjoy spending your money, so stop trying to save and spend as much as you possibly can now.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Brace yourself for the life-changing moment when you realise that all of your closest friends are complete dickheads.