Beardy from Hell – October 2019
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Despite leaving no stone unturned, the origin of the foul-smelling fluff in your undies will remain unknown.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Your parents may be bloody annoying, but at the end of the day you’re just a slightly more tech savvy version of them.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Invest a little more time in your real friends instead of the drug-f*cked dickheads you’ve been hanging out with lately.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
The things that annoy you the most about others are exactly the same things that others find most annoying about you.
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Joining a swingers club is all well and good, but perhaps be a little selective with whom you choose to tell.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Try and avoid kissing people where possible, especially if you’ve recently munched on a dirty kebab.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Ostracise the annoying fact-checking friend from your group so they can no longer sabotage your exaggerated stories.
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
Try not to freak out when you discover something strange in one of your socks, even if it’s a small animal or a mystery load.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Once again you’ve left your diet and exercise regime too late. Try and make the most of yet another summer of shame.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Stop trying to help people who don’t appreciate you generosity and focus solely on maximising your own utility instead.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Avoiding a problem rather than dealing with it is a proven short-term strategy for a stress-free life.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Stop worrying about the material wealth of those around you. Your mates may seem rich but they’re just as miserable as you.