Beardy from Hell – October 2020
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
You’ll know the job market’s really f*cked when you see your privileged Anglo mates driving around on Deliveroo scooters.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Pretty much every single person you do business with this month is going to try and rip you off. Be ready, be ruthless.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
You’ve accumulated some pretty useless shit over the years. It’s time to offload some junk, starting with the noise inside your head.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
You’re not necessarily a compulsive liar, but you do have a terrible habit of recalling an alternate set of events.
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Wade in out of your depth and try something new. You’re a much nicer person when you’re out of your comfort zone.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Address your out-of-control body hair situation, before people start thinking you escaped from a zoo.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Brush your current crew and find some friends who actually have your best interests at heart. They’re beneath you anyway.
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
Foregoing a few freedoms, for a short period of time, to protect vulnerable people isn’t such a big sacrifice, so stop your whinging.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
A strange odour will emanate from your body for no apparent reason. Some may appreciate it, but most will be disgusted.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
A friend who generally gives you shit investment advice is actually going to be right for once. It will be the first and the last time.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Pay more attention to your health today, or you’ll be forced to make drastic lifestyle changes that make you bloody miserable.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
If you haven’t been in the ocean for over a month then you don’t deserve to live here. Get wet before the fences go back up!