Beardy from Hell – September 2019
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Whatever it is that’s been getting on your nerves for a while, you need to deal with it now so you can move on with your life.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Although you think that smoking hot work colleague is way beyond your reach, you’re actually in with a half-decent chance.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Why work your arse off when you’re just going to waste your money on rubbish anyway? May as well put your feet up and relax.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
The reason you don’t get invited to anything isn’t because people have forgotten about you, it’s because they don’t like you.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
You respond so much better to sticks than carrots, which probably explains why people are always threatening you.
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
It’s been apparent for a while now; you’re not who you think you are. Perhaps it’s time to start asking questions.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
The more you try to be different, the more you’ll be the same as everybody else. It’s so much easier just to be yourself.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Your libido is about to go off the charts. Wear thick, loose fitting clothing so passers by aren’t exposed to the side effects.
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
It’s good to care about the environment, until it starts costing you money, at which point it stops being as important.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
No matter how loose you are with your spending, money will continue to magically appear and keep you out of trouble.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Think things through before launching into a new project. You’re probably better off just sticking with the nine to five.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
No matter what you suggest, you’ll find everyone disagreeing with you, to the point where it’s obvious they’re just being c*nts.