News Satire People Food Other

Bondi Beach to Host Jousting Tournament During Professional Sports Hiatus

By Kieran Blake, on May 29, 2020 in Satire

Tell him he’s dreamin’. Photo: Lance Alot

The famous sands of Bondi Beach will tremble with the thunder of horses’ hooves as jousting replaces professional sports during the COVID-19 restrictions. The medieval sport will make its long-awaited comeback due to its inherent ability to comply with strict social distancing regulations.
Jousting earned permission from relevant authorities because any competitor attempting to pass within 1.5 metres of an opponent will be smashed to pieces with a long and sturdy jousting stick. Health experts were also satisfied that participants would not pass on the debilitating respiratory disease because it’s impossible to sneeze or breathe on anyone from within heavy jousting armour.
“Plus, there’s no way you can touch your face when you’re wearing a jouster’s faceguard,” stated a spokesperson.
The continuation of horse racing during sports lockdown also worked in favour of event organisers.
“This persuaded us to offer another horse-based activity to the sports-mad Aussie public. We also assured the government that gambling would be a central component of every jousting event, which means that the recently unemployed can lose what little money they have left.”
Observers questioned how event promoters were able to initiate and fund such an obscure sport during times of massive financial uncertainty.
“A nice lady called Bridget gave us a handy sum of money. She just told us to call jousting a grassroots community sport, and to backdate some paperwork.”
Sceptics of the plan also wondered how the organisers would source the specialised equipment used in the sport.
“We persuaded Gai Waterhouse and some other generous trainers from Randwick Racecourse to supply us with some of the more robust beasts in their stables,” stated the spokesperson. “Plus, haven’t you seen The Castle? You can get jousting sticks in The Trading Post.”
There were also concerns that most professional footballers don’t even know how to ride a horse, let alone joust.
“That makes it even better, imagine the highlights reel.”
Matches will take place on Bondi Beach but will be televised, so fans can expect to see bouts between players from the Roosters, Rabbitohs and Bondi United, the Waratahs, Easts and the Galloping Greens, and stars from the Swans and Sydney FC.
Bondi Beach was the obvious venue for such a unique event, due to its natural beauty, but also because Bondi and surrounding suburbs were the epicentre of the virus in Sydney, due largely to the number of sunbathers and swimmers who refused to stay at home.
Another equine pursuit will also entertain Eastern Suburbs residents during winter, with fox hunting to take place in Centennial Park. The noble, courageous and contact-free sport is open to anyone with a horse, a dog and a gun. If you don’t own a gun, just ask Bridget.