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By Kieran Blake on November 9, 2016 in Satire

Everyone loves a Bintang.

Everyone loves a Bintang.

A young Bondi Junction resident was violently apprehended at Sydney Airport recently after it was discovered he had returned from a two-week holiday in Bali without purchasing a single Bintang product.

Border security responded to a direct order from Premier Mike Baird to detain the young man, whose identity has been withheld for legal reasons, as he attempted to pass through immigration and customs.

The suspect attracted the attention of security staff when highly trained sniffer dogs failed to detect any traces of Bintang beverages in his bloodstream. This prompted a painstaking search of the man’s luggage, which was devoid of any Bintang souvenirs such as a singlet, trucker’s cap, beach towel or beer cooler.

“It is incumbent upon every Australian visitor to both purchase and consume Bintang products while holidaying in Bali,” announced Federal Minister for Immigration and Border Protection, Peter Dutton, who personally assigned himself to lead the investigation, such is the severity of the case.

“Failure to do so represents a direct challenge to Australia’s traditional values and culture,” he continued, “It also represents a serious flaw in character. People of poor character are not welcome in this country, because of the life views and habits they bring with them, which threaten our way of life.”

The report from border security officials revealed that further detailed tests found traces of sangria, apple cider, Cuban rum, and coconut juice, but no Bintang.

“The only beverage consumed by the suspect that approximated Bintang was a Corona,” stated the report.

Compounding the problems for the young man is the fact that a detailed body scan, “conducted in accordance with prevailing international human rights laws” could not locate a single tattoo anywhere on the man’s skin.

The offender will now be held in custody for an indefinite period of time without the right to protest, while officials, including Minister Dutton himself, decide on a suitable punishment or actions that the suspect can perform in order to return to Bondi Junction.

“Fortunately for the defendant, Bintang products are readily available at numerous outlets throughout Sydney, such is their importance in Australia’s contemporary urban culture,” read a statement from Mr Dutton’s office.

“The defendant may be able to purchase such a product, via a proxy, at a severely inflated ‘Sydney’ price.

“Failing this, he may submit to the application of a permanent tattoo which is large, kitsch, garish, crass and unsophisticated, and will cause the bearer no end of heartache in future years – unless he becomes a professional footballer.”