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Bondi Needs a Private Beach Club

By Keiran Blake - on December 15, 2020 in Satire

UnAustralian. Photo: Wayne Kerr

The famous sands of Bondi Beach could soon enjoy an injection of culture if the Amalfi Beach Club is approved. The private club would cordon off two per cent of the beach and deliver desperately needed joie de vivre to the beach and the region.

La gente bonita
La gente bonita are ‘Beautiful People’. They are attractive, effortlessly sophisticated, wealthy and popular, and need a private club in order to socially distance themselves from the great unwashed. They carry an exclusive strain of the COVID-19 virus, which can improve one’s career prospects if transmitted from one high net worth individual to another. Beautiful People pine for the gender stereotypes of the 1950s, as the Amalfi males are doctors, surgeons, business owners and entrepreneurs, while the women can aspire to success only in fashion, advertising, beauty and modelling.

High disposable income
Beautiful People with high disposable income will fill the sun loungers and cabanas because they hold a ‘BPass’, or Bondi Passport. Lower middle-class Sydneysiders are also known to enjoy spending their disposable income, but they do not qualify for a BPass.

O’Brien Estate
The exclusive club would be established on a patch of sand called O’Brien Estate, named in honour of Francis O’Brien, who previously owned the land surrounding Bondi Beach and attempted to block public access in the 1880s after the beach became too popular.

It’s black and white
While the masses will jostle for clean waves between the red and yellow flags, Beautiful People can swim in serenity between the black and white flags which will mark the boundaries of O’Brien’s Estate.

Backpacker’s Rip
Backpacker’s Rip will be re-engineered to constantly tow the great unwashed away from the Amalfi Club, and backpackers will have to drown at another part of the beach if they want a cameo on Bondi Rescue.

Lifeguard recruitment
Waverley Council will form a special unit of lifeguards plucked from the pages of social media, and the aesthetically gifted lifeguards will patrol the sands and the surf around the private club. Bronzed, buffed, bedazzling beings need only apply.

Unfounded criticism
Locals and Sydneysiders argue that it is UnAustralian to pay to enjoy the beach. They claim it is an attack on Australian values to pay for what has always been an egalitarian space, while others are denied this right. They argue that this would be akin to having to pay exorbitant fees to ensure a strong education for your child, or having to pay a fortune to secure reliable home internet access. Proponents of the private club refute these claims.
“Gazing longingly at a hundred beautiful people sipping on cocktails while marauding teenagers kick sand in your face is sure to lift community morale.”