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Celebrate Life at Bronte SLSC

By Keiran Blake on September 7, 2020 in Satire

An actual concept drawing from the first attempted land grab. Photo: Con Crete

Ladies and gentlemen of the Eastern Suburbs, your new lifestyle destination is here: Welcome to Bronte’s Sartorially Luxurious Seaside Citadel (SLSC).
This architecturally-designed super structure promises a new era of dining, entertainment and self-awareness, nestled betwixt azure waters and Bronte-next-the-Sea. Immerse yourself in the essence of eastern coastal living and witness first-hand the dramatic transformation of the 1970s clubhouse into an unrivalled social precinct, envisioned for your pleasure by renowned architect Haiyer Price.
Traverse the endless attractions of an edifice stretching from its original location to Bronte Road and the golden sands of Bronte Beach. Rescue boards, tubes, swim fins, G-sleds and the club’s IRB will adorn the walls throughout the structure, and an effortless coastal chic informs the aesthetic of this rewarding immersive experience.
Satisfy your deepest craving in the Michelin-starred gastronomy sector, which occupies the entire top floor, and hold court at Sydney’s first doggie café, because nothing is more important than your precious pooch. Treat your furry friend to a dog massage and a makeover with our exclusive on-site canine stylist.
Bask in the karmic cognizance that your single meal purchase will recoup the $9 million cost of the refurbishment, and gasp in wonderment that a renovation in the Eastern Suburbs could be achieved with such a meagre outlay.
Step from the gastronomy sector, through floor to ceiling windows, to the Wave Wall and watch hapless swimmers succumb to the current beside the reef, before congratulating the designers on the choice of the IRB as a decorative centrepiece.
Savour seafood delights and marvel at the most recent incarnation of the Bronte train as it delivers delectable sushi and sashimi dishes in our highly acclaimed CityZen restaurant. Feast on mouth-watering Japanese dishes prepared with seafood sourced entirely from the Pacific Ocean (off Japan).
Reinvent yourself with a blissful yoga or wellbeing session on our world-first glass-bottomed YouGa platform, suspended over the refreshing waters of the Bogey Hole. Rest assured that doggie yoga is available, because nothing is more important than your precious pooch. For a truly invigorating experience, slide serenely from the YouGa platform into the calming waters of the Bogey Hole, now accessible only to VIP members of Bronte SLSC.
Bronte SLSC also delivers an interactive experience. Members and their guests are encouraged to seek out the official guest book, and tell everyone what they would have done differently with the renovation. Conversely, members of Bondi SLSC are offered the chance to visit an archival display of the world’s oldest surf club, and the opportunity to rewrite history.
Bathe in the rejuvenating potential of a destination freed of the impediment of a surf lifesaving club and its iconic Australian volunteers, and live the life you deserve. Bronte SLSC, so Eastern Suburbs…