News Satire People Food Other

China Takes Ownership of Wedding Cake Island

By Kieran Blake, on September 3, 2019 in Satire

Well within firing range, by Wei Fenghe.

Wedding Cake Island has become the first piece of the Commonwealth of Australia to be formally ceded to China as the emerging superpower looks to expand its presence in our region.
According to a document leaked exclusively to The Beast, Australian diplomats made a feeble attempt to resist the seizure, but when they held up images of Donald Trump and Boris Johnson in an effort to remind the Chinese of Australia’s military allies, the Chinese simply laughed.
The annexation of Wedding Cake Island is the first step in China’s plans to construct new islands along the Eastern Beaches in the coming months. The document reveals the intention to create the following islands between Bondi and La Perouse:
First Glance Island will sit just off shore. According to their first impression of the island, visitors can opt to turn left, before returning to the beach, or veer right and continue their journey.
Having veered right from First Glance Island, visitors will arrive at First Date Island, an island full of wonder and mystery, which includes a romantic boutique restaurant serving catch of the day.
Disaster Date Island will appear benign at first, but during rough seas and wild north-easterly winds bluebottles and seaweed will wash up on its jagged shore, which surrounds a barren landscape devoid of shade. Fortunately, the island will be fitted with numerous distress beacons that will alert friends of the visitors when their date turns out to be a pretentious, self-obsessed bore.
The Chinese Central Government is yet to confirm the construction of Break-Up Island, Make-Up Island and Renewal of Vows Island, and has not responded to rumours surrounding the construction of platforms designed specifically for viewing rainbows.
After numerous sorties on Disaster Date Island, lucky visitors will arrive at Proposal Island, featuring 24-hour, 360° sunsets, cloud seeding, impossibly white sand, turquoise waters and a gentle breeze.
The endless sunsets of Proposal Island will conveniently obscure the view of Divorce Island. On Divorce Island, couples are invited to hold hands on either side of a small crevice which runs through the centre of the island. As the crevice widens, the strolling couple will no longer be able to hold hands, will lose eye contact, and will eventually be unable to communicate at all. A leaky boat surrounded by Lawyer Sharks will transport them back to shore, stopping off at Disaster Date Island to collect more passengers.
Visitors who successfully negotiate the turbulent, complicated and arduous passage of Dating Straits will be rewarded with safe passage to Wedding Cake Island, where they will receive small red envelopes promising a life of wedded bliss.