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Christian Values

By Pearl Bullivant on April 21, 2021 in Satire

Under the pump. Photo: Karma Zakhunt

Pearl is taking a short break from her COVID Ambassadorship role to direct readers’ attention to the plight of Christian Porter, Australia’s former Attorney General and protector of the rule of law. I look at Porter, strung out by the online frenzy over sexual assault allegations, and I see a man who deserves to rule, unhampered by marauding lefties and riff-raff activists.
With a political pedigree, private schooling, a law degree and illustrious legal career, Christian rose from immense privilege to the position of ensuring the integrity of Australia’s court system, dismantling the Family Court in the process (much to the mortification of legal and family violence experts). And, gals, who doesn’t love a man who was a former Cleo Bachelor of the Year (1999) finalist? Blonde, clean cut and oozing arrogance, according to The Daily Mail UK (which Pearl frequently consults), Porter submitted a self-portrait of a stick figure with large genitals for the competition, while alluding to his sexual prowess in his Cleo profile. I am sure the Prime Minister’s wife would approve. After all, this well-endowed Liberal is responsible for the draft of the Religious Discrimination Bill.
With all the antagonistic hysteria surrounding Christian, Pearl feels that his detractors have unfairly overlooked Porter’s greatest political success, achieved during his time as Minister for Social Security – putting the great unwashed back in their place via the implementation of Robodebt and the Cashless Welfare Card. When one resides in a privileged vacuum of black or white, good or evil, fair or unfair, empathising with those who exist in shades of grey is a hard gig. Through Robodebt, Christian was able to orchestrate a reign of terror over welfare recipients, a witch hunt (that cost as much to run as the amount recouped) involving debt collectors, passport confiscation and jail threats. Christian has refused to apologise to those impacted by the now abolished and “legally insufficient” (Porter’s words) debt scheme, pointing out that he “helped move 150,000 people off welfare”, conveniently forgetting the two reported suicides resulting from the system’s cruelty and the mysterious removal from office of any Administrative Appeals Tribunal member who questioned Robodebt’s legality.
One of Christian’s greatest legacies (a “huge success”, according to Porter) remains in place – the Cashless Welfare Card. When one can afford to get drunk in the trendy bars of Canberra in the company of young women, it is reassuring to know one has prevented a myriad of welfare recipients from purchasing lotto tickets or pissing taxpayers’ money up the wall on Coolabah value-pack Sweet Fruity White.
Porter claims to have been unfairly treated, with a presumption of guilt that has effectively destroyed his career. Robodebt, which Porter presided over, “was an algorithmic weapon of calculated cruelty”, treating those resorting to welfare as criminals. Sometimes karma comes to those who cannot keep their kuracs secured in their Y-fronts. And unfortunately, for a jobs-and-growth-obsessed Australia, karma comes in the form of a new Attorney General –
Michaelia Cash. Groan.