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By Kieran Blake on September 8, 2017 in Satire

I’d happily surf that every day.

Coogee Beach will push Maroubra and Bondi Beaches off the international surfing map when it hosts the world’s first Sludge Surfing contest.

The planet’s best board riders will fight for the title of ‘Sludge Master’ when they tackle the fetid waters exiting the storm water drain at the northern end of the beach.

“Maroubra’s got great waves, Bondi great eateries, and Kelly Slater’s created the perfect wave, but Coogee will become famous for Sludge Surfing,” declared a spokesperson for the event.

“All the world’s best surfers are keen. We haven’t set aside a specific date yet because we’re just waiting for a big storm to flush out the drain, then we’ll dig out a stationary wave in the channel and start ripping psychedelic turns.”

Organisers are promising a thrilling event, which will boast a series of world firsts as well as a green room that is more olive/brown.

“The event can be held at night thanks to the neon glow emanating from the water,” the spokesperson said.

“All of the surfers will wear glow in the dark disco bands as well as special Hazchem wetsuits, and for the final we can set the water on fire.

“Plus, we’re in discussion with a few manufacturers to design a line of anti-corrosive surfboards.

“What’s more, media coverage will be enhanced by highly advanced military grade thermal imaging cameras, which we got on loan from the ‘Aussie Cozzie’, a.k.a. His Excellency General the Honourable Sir Peter Cosgrove.”

When the world surfing tour descends upon Coogee Beach for the first time, competitors will fight for prestige, handsome cash prizes, and a chance to win lifetime premium health cover.

Medical staff from the Prince of Wales Hospital and travel vaccination centres will be on hand to treat all eliminated competitors, and any surfers who cannot be saved from the beastly bacteria can always take up knee-boarding.

“The contest will operate under an eliminator format, which has been hugely popular in recent Ironman life-saving races,” the spokesperson said.

“Basically, the winner will be the last one standing. We’ve actually heard rumours of some of the competitors doing acclimatisation training in the Citarum River, the Ganges, and the Yellow River.”

The contest may even be held in these polluted rivers in the future, and could be expanded to include body boarders, SUP riders, body surfers and even goat boats.

“Well, actually, not goat boats,” stressed the spokesperson.

Organisers are also promising a variety of entertainment at the festival style event. Live music is planned, as well as a multi-coloured slip-and-slide for the kids, who can join their parents in a family friendly atmosphere.

“You won’t need drugs or alcohol to get high at this beach party,” the spokesperson said. “All you’ll have to do is inhale.”