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Dual Currency System to Operate in Yarra Bay

By Keiran Blake, on April 6, 2020 in Satire

Fostering business opportunity. Photo: Con Artist

The suburb of Phillip Bay is set to operate under a system of dual currencies once the Mega Cruise Ship terminal is completed at Yarra Bay.
The entire suburb will be re-classified as a Mega Economic Zone and will accept Australian dollars and Caribbean Coins in order to cater for the oversized tourists alighting from the endless stream of mega cruise ships docking at the terminal.
Caribbean Coins were so named because they mirror the dual currency system used in the Caribbean nation of Cuba, where locals use Cuban Pesos and tourists use Cuban Convertible Pesos.
All local businesses will be required to sell everything from fish and chips to surfboards through vending machines. That is, of course, if local businesses survive the onslaught of franchise stores such as Gloria Jeans, WHSmith, Relay and Newslink, as well as the ubiquitous fast food outlets which follow tourists around the globe.
Surrounding suburbs will remain unchanged and Caribbean Coins will be useless outside of Phillip Bay, much like tokens at amusement parks. The new monetary unit will exist in coin form only and is deliberately mega sized to prevent Eastern Suburbs locals using it in parking meters, pool tables or Aldi trollies.
Another light rail line will be built to ferry mega passengers to the city, and this will accept only Caribbean Coins. The ‘Royal Rail’ is predicted to be even more expensive than the train from Sydney Airport to the city and will be officially opened by whichever British royal is left in the House of Windsor at the time of the line’s completion.
Addressing the media through a megaphone, The Premier of New South Wales, Gladys Berejiklian, rejected criticism of the terminal and promised jobs and growth.
“Local volunteer lifesavers will ferry mega passengers and their mega luggage to shore in IRBs,” she shouted.
“Locals can work as money changers, and revenue from the terminal will be used to build a mega wave pool, like the one at Jamberoo, because the beach will be permanently closed.”
“Furthermore, in true Aussie style, we will force local Aboriginal people to perform for visitors before sending them home, whereupon they can ponder what might have been if the French had arrived a few days earlier the last time large ships full of foreigners landed on these beaches.”
“That said,” qualified the premier, “there’s no point dredging up the past – we need to start dredging up the sand.”
Locals will also foot the bill for mega billboards emblazoned with images of the Harbour Bridge and Opera House, which will shield passengers from the sight of Port Botany as they arrive in the harbour city.