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Eastern Suburbs Locals Celebrate Australia Day for the Last Time

By Kieran Blake on January 31, 2019 in News

The Sultan of Ostentatia, by Peter King

January 26, 2019 marks the final Australia Day celebration in the Eastern Suburbs after community organisations successfully lobbied for the region to secede from the Commonwealth of Australia.

The Union Jack and Southern Cross will fly from flagpoles no more when the secession is formally recognised on January 25, 2020.

The move will see the region become known as Ostentatia, with an autonomous government, constitution and separate passport. The border will naturally begin at Anzac Parade and will be guarded by a giant wall, currently disguised as a light rail project, as previously outlined in this publication.

Motivation for the move was simple.

“We don’t need Australia,” explained a spokesperson for the organisation behind the push.

“We have everything we need right here: beautiful beaches, great eateries and nightlife, wonderful climate. In fact, the only drawback to life in the Eastern Suburbs is the pesky visitors who lower the tone.”

The move will rid the region of commoners who can’t afford the extravagant property prices, nor pronounce the majority of items on local menus. Tourists and their cash are still welcome, though.

Momentum for the breakaway has been growing steadily for some years.

“Whispers in the bread lines, at school drop-off, in café and restaurant queues and among locals snooping in their neighbours’ houses during inspections grew into voiced conversations recently,” explained the spokesperson.

“These discussions demonstrated a genuine disdain for the proletariat, which transformed into a formalised movement. Then, the rejection of both major political parties at the recent by-election provided the necessary fillip to fight for our separation from Australia.”

Details of the organisation and governance of the autonomous region will be released during the next 12 months, but it can be revealed exclusively in The Beast that parliament will not contain a House of Commons, and that the highest office in the land will be known as the Sultan of Ostentatia.

Candidates for Sultan are many and varied, but according to the spokesperson, one name has been continually put forward.

“We know Malcolm Turnbull has a bit of time on his hands at the moment and we believe he would welcome the idea of heading a republic freed from the shackles of an increasingly anachronistic, inbreeding and shambolic constitutional power.”

Residents were assured that the Swans, Waratahs, Sydney FC and the all-conquering Roosters will still be welcomed into national sporting competitions in Australia. Another issue of great consternation to locals was the loss of a public holiday on January 26, but these concerns were soon allayed.

“We’ll find another excuse to ignore our colonial past, get drunk and trash the land we love so much,” the spokesperson said.